Hatchet (2006)

Hatchet is a typical slasher film, only it’s not retarded and boring. It’s entertaining in a ridiculous manner and has a ton of recognizable faces such as Tony Todd and Robert Englund to name a few. It also aces the slasher movie check list (warning minor spoilers below):

1. Boobs: Yes! Hatchet has boobs within ~ 7 minutes, which means you aren’t waiting very long before you get to the good stuff. And they aren’t gross, pancake boobs. These boobs belong to Mercedes McNab a.k.a. Harmony from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Joleigh Fioravanti. Hatchet got it right in that department.
2. Over the top gore: Yes! Within ~ 4 minutes the action starts and the buckets of blood start pouring! Literally. There are a ton of slasher films out there and when you’ve seen as many as I’ve seen, you start to see the same kind of gore but Hatchet kept it fresh (or extra disgusting) so that even I was a little shocked at some of the kills.
3. Cheesy plot and dialogue: Of course! That starts instantaneously and remains throughout.
4. Idiot hero runs away instead of finishing the baddie: Sadly, yes. Why does this always happen? I guess one film did it to lengthen the movie and now it has become an essential pillar in all slasher/horror films.
5. Ends on a Cliffhanger: Yep! Slasher films never fail to serve as a prime example of why the double tap is needed. Anytime the baddies is thought to be dead is the perfect time to double tap just to make sure. Hatchet is no exception to the genre ending with a surprise attack by baddie and then immediately ends. Dum dum dum.

That guy on the ground is totally going to make it.

Hatchet is about a group of tourists who go on a haunted tour in New Orleans. The tour quickly sours when the old urban legend of turns out to be true about a deformed boy, Victor Crowley (Kane Hodder, the Friday the 13th series’ main Jason Voorhees), who was tormented by everyone and died in a fire set by some kids. Now he’s looking for revenge on anyone who crosses him. He should really let go of that anger and practice some forgiveness. He would feel much better about himself. Maybe he just needs a hug. You do it, though, I’m not touching him.

Action Rating: 2 ½ Bloody Hatchets, out of 5.

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!

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