Chicks Who Don’t Want Flowers: Hatchet II (2010)

It’s always exciting when a movie’s title screen is bloody and is accompanied by the sounds of a chainsaw ripping through flesh and people screaming! Hatchet II’s title screen starts off that way, and the rest of the film lives up to what it presented.

Hatchet II continues right where Hatchet ended, with not a second elapsing between the two films. Only this time around, Marybeth, the leading lady, shrank several inches and got a completely different face, meaning Danielle Harris is now portraying her instead of Tamara Feldman. It’s not a big deal though, both ladies did a fine job. So, Marybeth escapes from Crowley, only to go back in with a team of hunters to “bring back my family’s bodies” when her real agenda was to “bury the hatchet in his f***ing face!” By “his,” she means Crowley.  I’m definitely a fan of the latter part; although, I can’t help but feel that Crowley is just misunderstood and lonely. Played again by Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees in numerous Friday the 13th films), Crowley tries to play with his new friends but with his deformities he plays too rough and accidentally scrapes their faces off with a propeller. Poor kid.

Anyway, Hatchet II is a sequel if you haven’t figured that out yet. While the first film was a very typical horror flick, the second one strays away a tiny bit from the standard horror movie ending and gives you more of what you want to see, aka an ending that doesn’t suck. Adam Green (writer, director) did a good job by keeping things concise, to the point, and, above all else, gory. Of course, Hatchet II was still predictable and not frightening at all, but I love the ending. The gore was over the top ridiculous and there was plenty of action. Just beware, that Hatchet II is seriously disgusting. Even though everything is obviously fake, it’s still sickening.

Spoilers Below!

Hatchet I & II feature an action chick! Marybeth is a strong woman who escaped from the clutches of Victor Crowley not once, but twice while every other person died. This girl exhibits some major courage, brains, and survival skills. She escapes Crowley, twice. She decides to GO BACK to kill him after she has reached safety the first time. She black mails the Candyman (Tony Todd). And then, when she’s had enough of his crap, she freakin’ buries the hatchet in Crowley’s face! In fact, she hatchets him over and over again until there’s nothing left but brain soup. Then, she pulls a double tap by taking a shot gun to Crowley’s already caved in face. Now that’s an action chick, and that’s why she is one of the ladies of my series “Chicks Who Don’t Want Flowers for Valentine’s Day!” She would enjoy Crowley’s head on the mantle or the hatchet she used to kill him in a frame to hang over her bed. Or maybe just some time to mourn her dead brother and father…nah. Action Chicks don’t have time to mourn!

Time Until Action Starts: ~ instantly

Baddies: Victor Crowley

Best Line: “If he can feel pain, he can die.” Yep, and if it bleeds, we can kill it.

Best Kill: Crowley punches through a guy’s stomach and grabs hold of his intestines. The guy tries to run away while Crowley hangs on to his insides. He didn’t get very far seeing as how the average length of the small intestine is 16 feet and only 5 feet for the large intestine. So Crowley pulls him back towards him, and then freakin’ decapitates the guy by wrapping the intestine around his neck and squeezing! WTF! His head popped off like a cork out of a champagne bottle.  I am all in favor of some unrealistic deaths just to spice up your movie, but come on! That is preposterous. All you doctors out there correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think the human intestinal tract is strong enough to DECAPITATE a full grown man! Not even a little. But hey, it was definitely memorable and entertained the hell out of me, so whatever.

Action Rating: 3 Intestinal Bungee Cord of Death, out of 5.

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!

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