Sorority Row (2009) Spoiler Free/Galore |

Spoiler Free portion!

When someone says, “I just got tested, it’s cool,” you might want to rethink the activities you are about to engage in. However, when you’re in a sorority house on Sorority Row, nothing matters and all logical thinking goes out the bloody window. So take that into consideration, and if you throw logic out the window before you watch Sorority Row, it will turn out to be a really good movie.

Movie was good, music was good, action was ehh. Now, if you don’t want anything spoiled, don’t read anything else below the picture because this movie was so much fun, I want to spoil lots of stuff :).

Spoiler Alert: Last Chance!

Alright, where do I begin? The story starts off with 6 stereotypical sorority girls: Brianna Evigan as Cassidy (the hero), Leah Pipes as Jessica (the bitch), Rumer Willis as Ellie (the smarty pants), Jamie Chung as Claire (the vain one), Margo Harshman as Chugs (the drunken slut), and Audrina Patridge as Megan (the stupid one from The Hills who thankfully dies first. I know, I know, calling her“the stupid one” doesn’t really clarify which one she is from The Hills). I will be referring to them by their stereotypes henceforth, so try to keep up. Really, Sorority Row is one long lesson of why you shouldn’t take pranks too far. Just stick to the hand in warm water while they’re asleep, or pelting your best bud with flour while they’re trying to make out with a girl/boy. The prank is over quickly and still manages to piss them off or cock-block them, but they won’t end up dead.

The girls decide to prank Stupid One’s BF Garret who cheated on her. They fake the stupid one’s death and convince Andy they have to get rid of the body. Well, they keep up the prank for a little too long because Andy decides that the air in the lungs will make the body float in water. So he takes matters into his own hands :). He stabs her through the chest with a tire iron! Oh sh**! I knew she was going to die, but that really surprised me. It was like a clown popping out of your mailbox. You punch him in the face from the surprise and then you laugh about it. After this event happens, you can’t find one shred of logic even if you looked for it with a magnifying glass. They dump the body instead of going to the police and the rest of the movie is spent killing them off one by one until only 2 of the 6 survive and they kill the killer. Jeez, if that’s how they treat one of their beloved sisters, I don’t want to what they would do to people they don’t even like.

Let’s skip to the good stuff that everyone expects to see in a slasher movie and is one of the reasons we all love slashers: NUDITY! Oh yeah, that’s right, Sorority Row does have nudity. It takes place in a sorority house, it’s only natural, right? However, I have to say I was disappointed by the amount of nudity. I think there was more nudity in Gamer than Sorority Row. What is happening with the world these days?

Sorority Row was pleasing in that predictable, stupid kind of way. I played a game where I predicted the order of kills before the movie started and I had it all right except for one. My prediction of the kill order: the slut, the vain one, smarty pants, and then the bitch. I picked the hero as the sole survivor, but I was a little off. One of them survived when I didn’t expect it… Everyone else died as predicted. And I didn’t get the killer right either, so that was a nice little unexpected twist. Despite the fact that the action was on the low end, the movie is still worth seeing if you like slashers.

Time until action: ~ 12 minutes.

Baddies: I’ve spoiled lots of stuff, but the killer is for you to find out. If you go see it, it might actually surprise you.

Best Comeback Line: A sleaze ball guy, the vain one’s boyfriend (Jamie Chung) is hitting on Smarty Pants. She says, “If you touch me again, I’ll f***ing kill you.” He says softly, “Okay, we’ll talk later.” Nice comeback! One more line like that and I would have almost thought the stupid frat boy look was just an act…but too bad we’ll never really get to know…because you’re dead. Yep, he got a pimped out tire iron through the throat while he was hangin’ out upside down in a laundry chute.

Best Kill: All of the kills were basically the same. The murder weapon is a pimped out tire iron for all of them. It looked like an Ultra Swiss Army tire iron. So, the best kill award goes to Mrs. Crenshaw (Carrie Fisher)! She can’t be here right now to accept this award…because she’s dead too. But part of the reason she wins is because it was a retarded, half suicide kill. The killer throws the pimped out tire iron and it sticks in the wall beside Mrs. Crenshaw. She has a shotgun and yet never manages to hit the killer with one shot! I bet she wishes she’d taken those shooting lessons now. She’s trying to reload the gun and she steps in front of the pimped out tire iron herself. Again, maybe she thought if the rest of the cast can forget about logic, she can too! So the killer kicks a table into her and pushes her back onto the pimped out tire iron. Like I said, it was partially a suicide, but if I was the housemother of 50 sorority girls, I might do the same thing. Or I’d kill all of them first. Either way, we really can’t blame her.

Best Explosion: There was no explosion but there was a fire: the sorority house gets set on fire at the end. It doesn’t burn to the ground, sadly. They were able to save the sorority. Poop.

Action Rating: 2 Hams in Bikinis Being Stabbed by Pimped Out Tire Irons, out of 5 (Which will make more sense if you watch The Soup)