G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Give’em the stick. Wait, don’t give’em the stick!!! The Joes gave the baddies the stick this time and not in a very nice place in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, which is rising in the box office this weekend. Hey, the movie is chock full of corny jokes so I should get to make them too. The Rise of Cobra was different from what I expected it to be, which was pretty easy considering I went in expecting it to be a 2-hour-long gay joke.  Who wants a body massage? It wasn’t like that at all! It was corny, but it was good. In fact, it was just corny enough to make it really enjoyable. And even better, it was action freakin’ packed. It was packed with so much action a fart would have had to squeeze in somewhere else, cause there was just no room for it.

Now, I didn’t watch the cartoon when I was younger. Sadly, I was often deprived from all the really cool cartoons when I was a kid. You know how it goes, marauding older siblings always taking over the TV one second and my parents always being like “Go outside and get some fresh air. Get some exercise!” the next. Yuck. However, I did play with the G.I. Joe toys (while outside) and I had a blast with them. I made them fight each other all the time and then I shot the loser with a BB gun and blew them apart. Too bad your ass got saaaacccked. I’m kind of sad about that now, but I had a hell of a time when I was six!

Back to G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. So, these people who have mad skills, are all joined together to make the G.I. Joe team. Then they go around and do good and try to save everybody from baddies who want to destroy the world with warheads. Mr. Delicious Beefcake Channing Tatum plays Duke with Marlon Wayans at his side as his loyal best friend Ripcord. The Rise of Cobra did several things right – one of which was having a female good guy (Rachel Nichols) and a female baddie (Sienna Miller). I enjoyed this very much, although not as much as some of the more rambunctious guys in the audience. They had a very nice face off. Bravo! Hey, girls are pretty, which makes them nice to look at, which makes everyone, girls and guys both, want to watch them do stuff like fight each other. It’s purely scientific. Hey kid, I’m a computer. Stop all the downloadin’. They also masterfully managed to slip in the line: “Knowing is half the battle.” It was done in a way that you barely noticed the corniness, yet still recognized the meaning.

The Rise of the Cobra gets the rarely seen Question Mark Burn Award. McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) is talking to Duke, and says, “I’m gonna make you very unhappy.” And Duke defiantly replies, “I’m already unhappy!” What? Really, that’s your reply. Doh! You’ve ruined my plan to make you really unhappy since you’re already unhappy! What will I ever do, now? Congratulations! You’ve just received the Question Mark Burn award because this makes you look at someone and ask (your voice has to trial upward towards the end of the word) Burn? Hey aren’t you Buzz Lightyear? I love your movies.

Overall, This is a fun flick, and I wholeheartedly recommend it to action fans.

Pork Chop sandwich! FYI, These are some of my favorite lines from some of the G.I. Joe Parody Public Service Announcements (PSA). It is really a shame if you don’t know what I’m talking about but the Action Flick Chick is here to save you. Check it out! And there is a part two on YouTube- I think 24 clips total. Enjoy!

Time until real action starts: ~ 6 minutes. There wasn’t any teaser action, really. They just jumped in balls first.

Big Bad Baddies: COBRA!!!

Best Line: “When all else fails, we don’t!” America! F yeah!

Best Kill: Duke shoots a belt filled with grenades. It blows an unknown baddie onto some electrical wires and then he gets electrocuted. Oooooh, that’s the one-two punch right there! Being blown up is never enough these days- with all the super badass heroes and invincible baddies, you’ve got to get creative with how you kill someone. Traditional ways just doesn’t cut it anymore. Forget the gun or the dynamite. You’ve got to have a gun that shoots bullets with mini piranhas inside so that when it is embedded the piranhas chomp on your ass from the inside. Or a bomb that will first pop up a sign that says a snarky remark like “Your ass is barbeque” and then spit BBQ sauce in your eyes to blind you, throw a chicken on your face, then explode.

Best Explosion: Man, a lot of things explode in The Rise of Cobra. I don’t really want to spoil any of it for you. Just know that at any given moment, an explosion is likely imminent.

Action Rating: 5 G.I. Joe vs. Cobra sea battle action playsets (batteries not included), out of 5

Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!