Feast (2005): Project Greenlight’s Fearsome Finale

Spoiler Alert!

WTF?!! Feast is bat-shiitake loco! If only you could have seen my face while I watched this movie. If only I could have seen my own face. I think it was a mix between these two photos:

Feast goes all out showing you everything that other movies would never do. There are surprises around every corner. Just when you think the rules of an action movie apply, they kill off someone you thought was absolutely safe. And I loved it for this very reason.

As for the plot, creepy alien, monster dudes come out of nowhere, attack a bar, and eat a hell of a lot of people. I guess it was their holiday because they skipped out on work, they “did it” in the parking lot, popped out a kid, and then they had a feast. Yep, typical holiday.

Feast pulled some crazy stunts I never would have expected. One stunt I loved was that Tuffie/Heroine 2 (Krista Allen) has a kid in the beginning of the movie…and she doesn’t end the movie with the kid. Hee hee, the monster ate her baby! Only it was like a 7 year old kid, but the monsters eat him and only leave his tennis shoes behind. You just don’t see that happen very often. Another surprise is the amount of heroes and heroines in the movie. Hero (Eric Dane) enters the movie and leaves it just as quickly. Then there’s the Heroine…and then Heroine 2. You can figure out what happened to the first one.

This movie took me by total surprise because honestly, I didn’t know much about it but I’m glad it was suggested to me. This flick even has some recognizable faces in it (at least for me). Josh Zuckerman (Sex Drive), Jenny Wade (Reaper), and Jason Mewes (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) all appeared in Feast. This is a good one to see but beware: It is gory gory gory. Oh and if you want to scare your kids into thinking that they should be good or the monsters will eat them, this is the perfect movie. Have fun!

Time until initial action starts: ~ 1 minute

Time until real action starts: ~ 12 minutes

Big Bad Baddies: Creepy alien, monster dudes

Best Line: The Heroine completely takes down a guy that thought he was tough. Then as she is looking down at him lying on the floor, she says, “Now, you pull that tough guy stuff again, I will cut you from your neck to your nuts.” Uhh (nervous laughter), I think she means business, boys. Hide your nuts!

Best Kill: One of the big alien monster dudes is facing a guy. It spreads his arms as if to say, “What then! What you gonna do, big guy!” Then it claps its monster arms on the guy’s head and it explodes. Surprising and awesome! It almost feels as if you get splashed with his brains.

Best Explosion: Presumed dead, Harley Mom is being used for bait. Surprise! She wakes up from a restful sleep just as the others have strapped her to bombs and are prepared to throw her out the window as bait. As the others are debating on whether to still use her as bait or not, she is pulled from the 2^nd floor window by the creepy alien monsters. Now this is where it gets disturbing. She is all tied up and one of the big alien monster’s baby reaches Harley Mom and rapes her in the face. Yeah, she just got raped in the face by a little alien monkey! Then the bombs explode and take her and the little alien monkey. The face rape actually went a little too far for me; it was just so disturbing and gross (shudder).

Action Rating: 4 creepy alien monsters behaving inappropriately towards a deer, out of 5

Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters.

Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters.

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!