Commando (1985) Review: Arnold Schwarzenegger in Top Form for this Action Classic

JOHN. You know, it seems like you just can’t be a true action hero unless your name is John. That is the MANLIEST of men’s names. Just think about all the action hero characters whose name is John: John Spartan (Demolition Man), Detective John Kimble (Kindergarten Cop), John McClane (Die Hard), John Rambo (Rambo), John Connor (Terminator), and John Matrix (Commando).

…Now, granted, Kimble from Kindergarten Cop isn’t really an action hero, but he does get into some action in that movie and he’s played by Ahnold himself. My deepest sympathies to everyone out there whose name isn’t John because it looks like your chances of becoming an action hero are very slim. If you’re still feeling down, consider changing your name to John so you might have a chance at getting to break a friend out of a jungle prison or liberate a group of hostages from a European terrorist. 

In Commando, we have John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger) single handedly taking down a metric butt-ton of people. How much is a metric butt-ton you ask? Oh, you’ll know when you see it. There’ll be a point in the movie where you’ll say to yourself “Man! He sure has killed a lot of people!” That, my friends, is a metric butt-ton moment. When Matrix’s daughter (Alyssa Milano) gets kidnapped, he spends the whole movie killing everyone until he finds his daughter by sheer process of elimination. It’s great fun and you get to see a wee-little Milano in one of her first movie roles. Then there’s Arnold! He is in tip-top shape in this one! It’s easy to forget that he was a bodybuilder first; but, in Commando, you won’t forget that fact for a second. This movie wants you to remember the simple formula of (if)Arnoldthen=muscles.

John Matrix character is a lot like John Rambo. Matrix is retired from his special operations job where he was the best at killing people. He’s just trying to live a normal life and people keep picking on him. And, much like Richard Crenna was Rambo’s hype man, so, too, is Major General Kirby Matrix’s hype man, saying things like, “If he’s still alive, I’d expect more [bodies]” and “Expect WWIII.” 

Commando is a great action flick, and very content to get liberal with the boundaries of realism. I mean, it gets pretty ridiculous at times. For example, Matrix has some superhuman strength moments, like pulling a metal chain and lock off of a gate with his bare hands or ripping a car seat out of the car without a struggle, not to mention bodyslamming a telephone booth with a dude still in it trying to make a call.

All in all, Commando is a classic entry in Arnold’s filmography for a reason. It’s fun, high-energy, with some great stunts and fights, and features Arnold cracking wise and flexing muscles.

Time until initial action starts: ~ 2 minutes

Time until real action starts: ~ 12 minutes

Baddies: Two guys and a gang of disgraced U.S. soldiers

Best Line: Matrix grabs a pipe and throws it at his opponent, pinning him to another pipe and piercing it so that steam pours from the baddie’s chest. “Let off some steam,” he puns at the now-deceased man who presumably was raised by a family who cared about him. 

Best Kill: Matrix is talking to a sleazeball in cahoots with the kidnappers. This poor, stupid, bag of garbage says, “If you want your kid back, you’ve got to cooperate with us, right?”

Matrix: “Wrong!” 

Then he shoots the guy right in the head! You will not be bullying John Fuckin’ Matrix into cooperating. If you want to live, you better cooperate with him!

Best Explosion: Matrix sets up some bombs outside a couple of buildings. As the baddies realize he’s there and come after him, the bombs blow and take out close to five buildings and a tower. The buildings get blown to such tiny pieces it left me thinking, “Oh, that debris is so cute, look how small the little rocks are!”

Action Rating: 4 1/2 Arnolds choppin’ limbs and catchin’ phrases, out of 5.

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!