Planet Terror (2007): Good Barbecue!

It’s often said that go-go dancers are like flowers, so if you’re gonna put someone named Rose McGowan in a movie about zombies, why not make her a go-go dancer, too?

Planet Terror is about a zombie outbreak caused by a release of some nasty chemicals. Penned by Robert “Spy Kids” Rodriguez, Planet Terror came out in theaters as part of the Grindhouse double-feature. It was paired with Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof, which I will be talking about a little later down the road.

Planet Terror gets really gory, so make sure to strap on your big boy/girl pants. In fact, while watching this movie, I had one very common thought racing through my mind: “WTF! What the crap is the matter with this movie?” Here are a few things that I am talking about: 1. What’s wrong with the zombies’ faces? I mean they’re just plain disgusting. Fellas, if you’re gonna be a walking corpse trying to feast on the flesh of the living, would you  it hurt you to doll up a little? 2. Why is this movie obsessed with balls? And I’m not talking about the kind of bouncy balls or a pool ball. I’m talking about royal jewels, the ol’ giggleberries. You know, male gonads. Anyway, this movie has balls to the wall action, and I mean that much more literally than I normally do. There’s dismembered balls being saved in jars. There’s rotting balls dropping to the floor in a puddle of goop. Balls balls balls! Although it is hilarious and adds to the gory and gross factor, sometimes it’s nice to have a moment to rest from the last scene’s ballsiness, ya know?

This flick was definitely rockin’ it on action. My biggest complaint is that it was kinda advertised as an ass-kicking chick flick, but I feel like there just wasn’t enough ass-kickin’ chick action in this flick. Rose doesn’t get that cool gun-leg until deep into the third act, and even then she only gets to kill a few baddies before the credits start to roll. BOO! I want more go-go dancers with gun-legs blastin’ baddies to bits! But, outside of that little issue I thought this was a pretty fun action movie, and very true to the genre it comes from.

Time until the action gets started: ~ 11 minutes

Baddies: Zombies/military unit/Bruce Willis

Best Line: “That is some G**d*** good barbeque!”

Best Kill: There were several mind-blowingly crazy kills but my favorite one would have to be little Tony. Tony (Rebel Rodriguez) is Dr. Dakota’s (Marley Shelton) son. The little bugger is barely eight if he’s a day old and yet his mother thought it to be wise to give little Tony a gun. You know, to protect himself from the zombies while she left him alone in the car. Being the good mother that she is, she makes sure to tell little Tony not to point the gun at himself. Great advice, Mom! You should get the Mother of the Year Award! Well, as soon as Dr. Dakota is out of the car little Tony shoots himself in the face! I have to say at first I was shocked, and then I thought it was freakin’ hilarious. What the hell did you think was going to happen?! She may be a good doctor but she ain’t got any common sense. But I’m not complaining, at least we can thank her for the best kill.

Best Explosion: At the end of the movie, the two brothers (one of whom owns a renowned BBQ joint) are injured and have fallen behind everyone else. They are talking about the secret barbeque recipe when one of the brothers dies. The other one laughs and pulls a trigger to detonate a whole string of explosions. The explosion lights up the whole screen, and everything keeps exploding, and exploding, and exploding. Crap’s getting’ blown up, people are flying everywhere, cats and dogs, living together! MASS HYSTERIA!

Rating: 3 Gosh Dang Good BBQ’s, out of 5