My Bloody Valentine 3-D (2009)

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!! It is a little bit early but who says I can’t celebrate my love for myself on more than one day. Anyway, My Bloody Valentine 3D is the perfect movie to take your shy, squeamish boy, or girl to see on Valentine’s Day. It’s packed full of messed up relationships and people hackin’ each other up. Perfect! I know that’s what I like to do on my Valentine’s Day.

I went into My Bloody Valentine with very low expectations, but it was a slasher flick in 3D so I thought it had to be somewhat interesting, not like a 3D love story where you would only get tongues and spit coming at you from the sloppy frenching. This movie met my expectations and then some. It followed the slasher movie formula to a T with the ridiculous kills, over the top gore, cliché dialogue, and, the most important one of course, nudity. All of these factors together made for one really fun movie, and the 3D on top of all that gave it that extra something, pushing it above other slasher films. I, slipping into retardville for a brief moment, actually, just slightly, tried to dodge some of the 3D images coming at me. You are the only people I have told, so shut up, you would too. The only disappointment about the whole 3D experience is that the boobs in the nudity scene were not coming at me enough. If this is in 3D, then I want them popping off the screen and poking me in the eye. Come on!

My Bloody Valentine 3D is unique in that is does portray a stronger leading lady character, not just the pretty bimbo who needs a man to rescue her all the time. There is no running up the stairs instead of out the door or hiding in a closet scene in this movie. The leading female character played by Jamie King seems like a stronger and smarter character thanks to Jamie King herself. An interview with Jamie King posted on www.prettyscary.net reveals that King had a hand in trying to make the character more than one dimension. Good job King!

My Bloody Valentine is action packed with lots of gore and blood. How much blood you might ask? Well, so much blood that only a Sham-Wow can soak that up. Are you followin’ this camera guy? And that’s right, all of the hackin’ people up was done in real time.

Time until the real 3D killing action: ~8 minutes

Guys getting killed (Bad guys): The Miner

Best Line: After one of the gruesome kills, one of the cops says, “Jilted lover with a screw loose?” To which someone replies, “More than one screw, wouldn’t you say?”

Best Kill: The Miner is attacking a poor old guy, who is actually putting up a pretty good fight. The pick axe gets stuck in the floor and The Miner has the poor old guy’s head in his hands and is slowly pushing it towards the pick axe. The old guy is putting up a hell of a fight. The Miner finally just lets go and curb stomps the old guy’s head into the pick axe, running it completely through the head. Shish-ka-bob anyone?

Most Unrealistic Kill: The Miner is attacking yet another person. This time it is a hot girl with pretty face. So pretty in fact, I guess The Miner was jealous because he shoved a shovel in her mouth so hard that it went all the way through her head. The top half slid into the shovel while the rest of the body fell to the floor. It was awesome, but a little tid bit unrealistic.

Best Explosion: The Miner is approaching our heroine, with a pickaxe in hand and menace in his heart. The heroine fires the final shot out of her gun, launching the bullet not only through the miner, but into a series of explosive tanks, which blow up like a person filled to the brim with cheap chimichangas.

Best Narrow Escape: Sarah (King) and another girl are closing up the grocery store where they work. Suddenly, The Miner is there trying to kill them. They run around, Sarah hitting The Miner with some kind of roll of meat, and they end up locked in the back office. The Miner is chopping through the door while they try to unlock the window and escape that way. The first girl is half way out the window when they realize The Miner is gone and pops up in the back alley by the window. Sarah presses the emergency button and escapes out the front door of the grocery store. Her friend wasn’t so lucky though. I didn’t say it was her best narrow escape, it was Sarah’s.

Rating: 3 ½ 3D bloody hearts getting axed, out of 5