Total Recall (1990) |

I just witnessed possibly the greatest tragedy I have seen in any motion picture: The woman with the three boobs was shot…and killed. Noooooooooooooooooo! I can’t believe it. Ohh, the humanity! Let’s all just take a moment of silence to remember our great friend… Triple Nipple Girl.

Okay, for those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about then you obviously haven’t seen Total Recall and I probably seem especially weird to you right now. Total Recall stars the great man I am honoring this month: ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. You know he’s a great man because if you take him out of all the movies he has done, they would’ve fallen flat on their faces (with a few exceptions maybe). He is definitely what is so awesome about all of these flicks.

Total Recall is about Quaid (Arnold), a guy who was a really bad man and then he had his memory erased and became a big softy. He was given a pretend wifey in his new life that he gets to boink all day long. Oh did I mention that his wife, Lori, was played by Sharon Stone? Not too bad for Arnold, eh? Being an actor must be soooo tough having to make out with other hot actors all day long.

Total Recall takes place in the future when people are living on all the different planets. Quaid spends the whole movie trying to remember his old life and figure out why everyone is trying to kill him. He “gets his ass to Mars” and saves the day! Yay! Actually, he saves the whole planet, but that is just what Arnold does when he goes on a mission.

There are a lot of great things about this movie. On Mars, there are all kinds of mutants, which is where the girl with three boobs comes into play. And yeah, you get to see them in all of their multi-areola’d glory. A bunch.

Quaid gets screwed over by absolutely everyone in the film, even himself. Other than a couple of people, every person you think is good is actually bad, but don’t worry. Quaid makes sure everyone gets their comeuppance. Even poor Benny (Mel Johnson, Jr.), the funny cab driver, switches sides so many times he doesn’t know which way he’s looking until he is staring at the business end of an oversized drill Quaid is pushing toward him yelling, “Screw youuuuuu!!!!!” Awesome!

The action was great. There were several explosions, lots of kills, and it was all paced throughout the movie very well so you never get bored. Total Recall is a classic and a must see for all Arnold fans.

Time until real action starts: ~ 21 minutes

Baddies: Everyone, even Arnold plays a part as the baddie.

Best Line: There are so many good one liners, it is starring Arnold after all. I am going to go with the line Quaid says right after he shoots his wife (Sharon Stone) in the head. “Consider that a divorce.” Hell yeah! No alimony for that manipulative witch.

Best Kill: Quaid is put into the Rekall machine and is about to be transformed back to his previous self, Hauser. However, being the good little boy that he is, Quaid doesn’t want to return to his evil self and starts fighting the machine. He breaks loose one hand with the chair cuff still attached to his wrist. Attached the bottom of this cuff is a long metal rod. The doctor guy runs over to Quaid like he’s really going to stop him, and Quaid stabs the guy in the throat with a spike. It makes a sick juicy sound and then Quaid pulls out the spike and blood squirts all over the place. I think some doctors are really underpaid for what they do.

Best Explosion: Quaid is dressed as a woman to fool the baddies. His head-like mask starts to malfunction so he takes it off. By this time the baddies have caught up on what’s going on and are waiting to “seize” Quaid. He throws the head-like mask and one of the guys catches it. Then the head says, “Get ready for a surprise!” It explodes right in their hands, taking out a bunch of guys. This one wasn’t the biggest explosion, but it was the funniest and very unique.