Being a heterosexual female, the breast has limited appeal to me. Now, I can definitely appreciate its aesthetic qualities and certainly applaud a well-timed flash of the boobage, but after a few minutes I get tired of the boobies and want to see some boomies! There is a very precise ratio of boobs/bombs that should be followed, and Piranha 3-D had a lot of boobage but only one explosion, which is a definite fail in the boobs/bombs ratio department. I guess they tried to make up for by throwing in a penis shot…only this penis was floating in the water and was swallowed up by a piranha and then regurgitated by that piranha with a huge bite taken out of it. Umm, if this is the only way they can show a penis, I’d much rather look at the boobies.
Piranha 3-D is about piranhas eating up people. That’s all there is to it. It did have a recognizable cast including Jerry O’Connell, Elisabeth Shue, Richard Dreyfuss, Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd, and Eli Roth. Of course, the only thing I could hear when Lloyd came on screen was him saying “Great Scott!” and “1.21 gigawatts!!” in my head. I’m sure I missed very important dialogue and plot points with this distraction, but somehow I managed.
Overall, this film is all right. It would probably be better in a big group of people, where you can cheer together when the breasts appear and make the Jaws theme music when the piranha pop up to help get through the tedium of the endless scenes of girls in bikinis dancing on boats, not to mention the excruciatingly slow build up to the piranha attacks. There’s a hint of a tooth or an ominous flurry of fins every once in a while, but the whole time I was just thinking, “We all know they’re killer piranha, it’s called Piranha 3-D for poop’s sake! Just attack already!” However, when the foul little fishies do finally attack it is delightfully gruesome and meaty.
Unless you absolutely love watching movies in 3-D, I’d wait for this one to come out on DVD, if you ever watch it. Even the lady who sold me my ticket was trying to convince me not to watch the movie, which should tell you something about how not awesome the film was.
Spoilers Below
Time Until Action Starts: ~ 4 minutes
Baddies: PIRANHAS!!!
Best Line: “Jake, they took my penis. THEY TOOK MY PENIS!!!”
Best Kill: I picked this kill because it was the perfect combination of boobs and action. A girl gets sliced with a wire diagonally through her torso, cutting her bathing suit top off and exposing her breasts. Then her top part with her head and one exposed breast falls into the water.
Best Explosion (the only explosion): Jake (Steven R. McQueen) opened a couple of propane tanks on a boat. He threw in a flare and KABOOM! It exploded and caused a nice ripple effect in the water.
Action Rating: 1 Pair of Boobies, out of 5.
Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters.
This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!
Related comic:
* Action 
Chick vs. Piranha 4-D
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I liked it, but went it knowing it would be a gory jiggle-fest.
I love that Dreyfus [SPOILER] was singing “Show Me the Way to Go Home” in the beginning. I was sold right there. Bonus points for decapitating Eli Roth.
This was my first modern 3-D film, and it was really disappointing. I get the feeling it was made 3-D after the fact.
I haven’t seen it yet, but did see numerous trailers. It look like someone decided to take “Snakes on a Plane” and “Jaws” and merge them into one movie.
When you mentioned Richard Dreyfus, all I can think is did he say “I think we need a bigger boat”.
Yeah….I am a guy so I was swayed somewhat by all the boobies….had it not had so much T&A it wouldn’t have been that good at all. Just another lack luster horror remake that was 3D…..and I agree the 3D wasn’t even that great. The only way I even know it was 3D was some of the scenes were so dark…and the 3D glasses only added to the darkness. http://thereelrussell.blogspot.com/2010/08/piranha-3d.html
Have not seen it but my 30 yr old son LOVED it. He called it *Boobs & Gore*. Like all the other films that have been made in 3D, I will not see it. I might get it when it comes out on DVD, but I am not sure yet.
LOVE the article Katrina. You never fail to explain, educate and entertain!
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The first sentence of this post is golden. Pure golden.
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Since you have a picture of blue-footed boobies and take an interest in boobies, be sure to stop in and visit, or at least buy a t-shirt at, the Brown University bird club in Providence if you ever happen to be in the area. The club, as indicated on its t-shirt, is The Brown Boobies.
keep the boob count, up the boom, almost the perfect movie (still could go without the eaten penis though)
shortened url = http://3.ly/Pr3D
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