Pale Rider (1985) with old timey manspeak translations

“3 hots and a cot is the least I owe you.” 

Pale Rider (1985), starring Clint Eastwood, comes chock full of old-timey sayings like the one above. The old-timey manspeak is so thick, in fact, you might want to bring a dictionary, or settle in and be ready for the ear puzzle of trying to translate what the hell these old-timey prospectors and gunslingers are talking about. 

Panning for gold wasn’t an easy life, but for Hull Barrett (Michael Moriarty) and his family, it’s the way they know best. Just when things start looking up, a group of ruffians led by richie-rich a-hole Josh Lahood (Chris Penn) show up to take the land, an intention they make clear by bullying the settlers, tearing down their homes, and KILLING THEIR CUTE LITTLE PUPPY. Not cool, movie.

Thankfully, we have our own John Wickian enacter of dog-vengeance with the arrival of Preacher (Clint Eastwood), a badass with a heart of gold… which may or may not be beating because dude may be a straight-up ghost.

There is some debate as to whether Eastwood’s character is a ghost or not. Eastwood himself flat-out said that his character was, in fact, a ghost. Buuuuuut then some other people state points saying that he isn’t. Eastwood directed, produced and starred in this flick, so… I might go with him on this one.

Now, Pale Rider has very little in the way of action. Very little. But, it stays pretty interesting throughout, with Eastwood giving one of his more compassionate performances, Penn playing a douchebag with the aplomb he’s known for, and Detroit-born Moriarty pretending to be a Southerner as he often did in his career. 

When action gets to action-ing, it slaps. Preacher doesn’t break a sweat or get out of breath when he is outnumbered and still ends up killing everyone who dares to be less than courteous to those hard workin’ pan handlin’ gold diggers, exemplifying that John Wickian rule that you don’t hurt dogs or there’ll be unstoppable hell to pay.

I love how old-timey movies handle the manly exchanges between their main male characters, often leaning hard on subtext and the unspoken in order to communicate complex emotions. 

For example, earlier in the film Preacher scares away Barrett’s horse to prevent Barrett from joining a fight and getting himself hurt. Barrett makes the sojourn to join the fight anyway and saves Preacher’s life (or saves him the embarrassment of being outed as a ghost). Then we get this exchange: 

Preacher: “Long Walk.” 

Barrett: “Yep.”

And then the Preacher rides away.

While they didn’t say much out loud, if you check your old-timey manspeak dictionary, you’ll find that the exchange really went like this:

Preacher: “I can’t believe you walked all that way to save me. You… you really had my back, brother. I couldn’t have scared the horse of a better man. You take care and take care of your family, too.”

Barret: “I’ve always got your back, brother. You’ve done so much for me and mine that there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. You saved our lives with your actions, and inspired us to be so much more than we ever thought we could be, so of course I made the walk here. Good bye forever and take care. I love you, man.”

I just love it when our heroes get all sentimental.

Time until the action starts: ~ 4 minutes

Time until the REAL action starts: ~ 18 minutes

Big bad baddies: LaHood and his no-brain followers

Best Line: “You’ve got sand, boy, but less sense than a sack of beans.”

Best Kill: The Preacher out-guns LaHood’s number one flunkey, Stockburn, leaving him with six bullet holes going through his chest and coming out the back. Stockburn tries to get one last shot in and Preacher out-guns him again with a bullet right between the eyes.

Best Explosion: The Preacher shows those LaHood’s ruffians who’s the boss by taking a crate of dynamite and blowing up their mining equipment and their houses.

Meaning of “3 hots and a cot is the least I owe you”: Three hot meals and something to sleep on is the least I could provide you.

Action Rating: 1/2 Manly Exchanges, out of 5

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!