HUMONGOUS SPOILERS AHEAD
*
*
*
Okay, everyone still with me who wants to know? Good. I know these normally start with Dale’s Deeds, the ongoing adventures of Dale as he hangs around his RV (unknowingly) dead and welcoming every major character as they die and transition on to the afterlife. But that’s going to wait until the end this time, because I got some shit to say.
Folks, I’ve been covering The Walking Dead since it started, recapping it for you for the last six years. I’ve been with it through the highs and lows, through the awesomeness of Red Rick and Carol going full badass, and the lows of the eternal search for Sophia or The Governor’s stupid crap. Season Six, however, moved into a new low for the show, one I can’t forgive.
All throughout season six The Walking Dead teased the forthcoming appearance of Negan, the Big Bad from the comics who shows up by brutally murdering Glenn. It also teased Glenn’s death through a series of misleads that were supposed to make us think he’d died a couple of times, leaving fans hanging for weeks wondering whether or not Glenn was done for. Then, once we knew Glenn was okay, it was time for the season finale, and Negan shows up in bombastic fashion, prepared to brutally murder one of our beloved characters. Who did he kill?
Who was it?
u just wait motherfuckre
…We had to wait months to find out. The creators of The Walking Dead had the gall to leave season six on a massive cliffhanger to keep people talking. And talk they did. Everyone had a theory about who died, based on the little bit of information we could glean from those last few seconds.
Well, now we know the answer: it wasn’t one character, but two. The first was Abraham, who I predicted to be the first to go months ago. He’s physically imposing, his personal storyline had hit a nice point (which, on TWD, usually means the character is going to die), and he died at an early point in the comics, so killing him off would uncomplicate some things for the writers. Watching Abraham go down was brutal and absolutely gut-wrenching.
But then Negan goes for a second kill…
Glenn.
And therein lies the problem.
This is the exact way Glenn died in the comics. Only, in the comics, we didn’t have an entire season’s worth of stories revolving around teasing Glenn’s death, dragging out whether or not he died, and leaving people to come up with pet theories about hiding under dumpsters. AMC’s The Walking Dead, in its hubris, dragged out Glenn’s death as long as possible, inept and greedy was its desire to shock the audience rather than tell a good story. Glenn deserved better than this. The Walking Dead’s audience deserved better than this. Glenn’s death was expected here. Had it not come after an entire season of is-he-or-is-he-not dead, followed by the ultimate-blue-balling finale, it would have been different. But as it was delivered, this shows a level of crass incompetence on the part of The Walking Dead which shows the people behind it are so focused on shocking people that they don’t care if the story suffers. Which is why I’m done.
That’s right, I’m done, folks. This will be the final recap of The Walking Dead, except perhaps to do a post-mortem (pun intended) on the series once it’s coming to a close. But The Walking Dead’s writers don’t respect us as an audience. They want to get people #talking on social media and hanging on for as long as possible to milk every advertising cent out of us (hence the season seven premiere being dragged out until 9:06). When you have a show this intense, a show with so much suffering to it, you have to respect the audience enough to let them know that the agony will be worth the time with satisfying story moments, and this just wasn’t. I hoped for so much better from The Walking Dead, but in the end, the show became exactly what it was about: a greedy, hungry, monster.
Me, with the cast of The Walking Dead, during New York Comic-Con 2010, right before the show started airing.
Look how young and clean everyone was!
Aww yiss.
I’ve had an absolute blast recapping this show for the last six years, but the time has come to say “So long, The Walking Dead!” I was there for the beginning, and I’ll be there for the end, but in the meantime I’m not going to waste my time on a show that doesn’t respect its audience.
So now, for one last time, I turn it over to Dale at the RV for Dale’s Deeds. Dale?
Thanks, Action Chick. I tell ya, that Raccoon and I have finally become friends, I think. We were watching Family Matters, season two, on DVD, and-
Dale!
Glenn! Oh my gosh, it’s been so long!
Good to see you, Dale. I wish… I wish it was under better circumstances, but I’m glad, regardless.
I see you’ve brought a tall friend with you.
S’up.
Yeah. Listen, Dale. I’m glad to talk to you, man. I want to let you know that it’s time.
It’s… time?
Time to go.
Can’t go anywhere, son. The RV’s all banged up still.
No, Dale. It’s time to go. To get out of this waiting room or purgatory or whatever. You know what I mean.
…
Oh.
Come on, Dale. You’re ready.
…Okay. I think I am. Raccoon! You take care of the RV for me, y’hear! And take care of Shane!
(unintelligible raccoon noises of general agreement)
Don’tchu worry ’bout me, Dale. Me’n this Raccoon got it covered.
…Okay then. Guess there’s nothing left but… to go.
Glenn!
Dale!
Oh my gosh! Lori! Hershel! Beth!
Hey, Horvath. How’s the RV?
Still exploded, Andrea! So good to see everyone again!
Glenn, it’s good t’see you, son.
Hershel, you too! I have so much to tell you!
Dale, man! Lookin’ good!
Why, hello there, young man! I’m Dale. Have we met?
I’m T-Dog. We already had this conversation once, remember?
All I remember is a farm house, a whole lotta hot dogs, and a fella named Theodore Doggins.
Dale, you silly sonofabitch, come give me a hug.
That sounds fine with me. Got plenty of hugs to go around.
This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!
Dale’s Deeds by Alex Langley (@rocketllama)
