All Request December: Ninja Assassin (2009)

For the win: What is small, mostly annoying, and completely inappropriate to bring to a showing of Ninja Assassin? If you guessed a small, yappy dog, you’re wrong. Try again. If you guessed a cell phone, you’re wrong and you suck so you don’t get another guess. The answer is a freakin’ 10-year-old kid! I was in the theater with a woman who had brought a kid who was 10 at the oldest. She brought a kid to see one of the bloodiest and goriest films of all time! WTF? I’m still marveling at that judgment call. Wait, if you really think about it…. maybe that’s the ultimate test to an awesome movie. If a woman is willing to ruin a child’s innocence and splatter him with blood because she so badly wants to watch a movie, then it must be one hell of a movie. And I can honestly say, Ninja Assassin was one hell of a movie! So good choice, woman!

Ninja Assassin is about a ninja, played by Rain, who is an assassin who kills other ninjas who assassinate people. To keep from spoiling anything, that’s all I’ll say, but that’s all that really matters. He murders a LOT of people, and it is awesome! When I interviewed David Leitch, he mentioned that they had a lot of time to rehearse the stunts for this film. Well, the action was fantastic! Bravo, Leitch, Bravo! The action was brutal and bloody, just the way I like it. Some people described Ninja Assassin as being a gore fest or blood soaked movie. Well, that’s just silly. I would describe it as being a TSUNAMI of blood! You could have pinched someone and a volcano of blood would have erupted. Now that may sound ridiculous, and it is, but in a really good way. It was just the right amount of sweetness. It would make you go “ooooooooohh” and grip your body part that just got sliced off on screen and then laugh. Great fun!!!

I was discussing the movie before it started and decided to expect at least 4 decapitations within the movie. My expectations were greatly exceeded! There were at least two decapitations within the first fight scene! I was trying to keep track of the total number of decapitations and dismemberments but people were just going to pieces way too fast for me to track! I looked down for a second to make a tally mark, and when I look back up 20 more people were dead. Now that is a problem I am willing to live with.

Some critics have complained that there’s “no plot” and “it’s boring.” It’s fine that you feel that way, but I would have to respectfully disagree and say… SCREW YOU GUYS! Sure, there is not a lot of plot going on, but they do set up some plot so that people are dying for some semblance of a reason. They give you very good cause to root for Raizo (Rain). And Raizo is a very likable character. His body is pretty damn likable too, so ladies and some of you gents, keep that in mind. As far as the boring goes, sure it has some slow parts. I think there is about 5 minutes total of talking. Oh come on! Ninja Assassin was so action packed you couldn’t have fit one more drop of blood in there. And it wasn’t boring action. It was good, fast paced action. This movie is an action lovers dream…just enough story to know why people are dying, and then people die. They cut the crap right out.

So, to sum up: Action lovers must see Ninja Assassin. I had an absolute blast with this movie. I never once thought “How much longer is this?” It was a super pumped film that kept me interested the whole time. Oh and don’t forget to bring a towel, you’re going to need it. And maybe an ark, for when the flood of blood really gets going.

Time Until the S*** Gets Real: ~ 3 minutes

Baddies: Ninjas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best Line: “I’ll tattoo the ceiling with your f***ing brains!”

Best Kill: The ninjas unleash an assault on a group of men. A random guy’s leg gets hooked with a knife on a chain and gets yanked up towards the ceiling. As he is pulled into the shadows, you hear some slicing sounds and then you see it. Gallons of blood fall to the floor and then you notice that what is left of the guy is mixed in with the blood. Yeesh! Look at all those pieces! Just call him Humpty Dumpty!

Best Explosion: There wasn’t an overabundance of explosions. It’s mostly just Raizo kicking ass and painting the town with blood. However, there was at least one small kaboom. Europol agents shoot a rocket launcher at a building causing several small explosions.

Action Rating: 5 Ninja Dismemberments with Violence Filter Turned On, out of 5.

Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters.

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!

Ninja Assassin requested by:
Johnny Williams (@johnny_williams, http://www.facebook.com/jkw17)

Related post:
Interview with David Leitch (Matrix, 300, Wolverine, Bourne Ultimatum, Confessions of an Action Star) Pt. 1
Movie Chicks on Action Flicks: Ninja Assassin