Kindergarten Cop vs. Cop and a Half |

Round 1: The Opening Sequence! Kindergarten Cop (KC) opens with the scruffy John Kimble (Arnold), a tough police detective, following the baddie, Cullen Crisp (Richard Tyson), around a mall. A few minutes later he is busting up into a ritzy salon pointing a gun in Crisp’s face while the shmuck is trying to get a manicure. Who knew getting a mani/pedi was a crime? But wait for it, Cop and a Half (C ½) has a just as nail biting opening. Devon (Norman D. Golden II), a ferocious 8-year-old, is seen on the playground with…a water gun! He is following a bad guy himself: his 8-year-old friend. Don’t let your guard down just because C ½ involves kids, who, as we all know, can be mean and evil. Trust me. Well, little Devon gets trigger happy and shoots an adult in the crotch. Phew, it’s a good thing it was only a water gun. I think pee pants would be better than empty pants. KC takes the first round!

Round 2: Characters! C ½ stars a peppy, “I still have dreams,” little spitfire of a kid played by Golden. Golden did a pretty good job. He was amusing and brought some liveliness to the character of Devon. Devon is smarter than your average little ankle biter, often being smarter than the adults, which is a totally new concept for a movie. Then there’s Burt Reynolds who plays the “I hate everything, especially kids” tough cop. One point I have to make for ol’ stachey face is that he’s actually in pretty good shape. I was admiring his buff arms a few times during the flick. However, no one can compare to the buffness that is Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s a freakin’ body builder, but that’s not the only reason Arnold is great in KC, he can deliver a one liner like nobody’s business and has such a presence all he has to do is point a finger at someone and they would poop their pants. Winner: Arnold in KC.

Round 3: The Kids! Part of the appeal of both of these movies is the kids (well, for some people anyway). So how do the kids compare between KC and C ½? There is a classroom full of kids and a set of twins in both movies, but who would win in a battle between the two. It would have to be the KC kids! Come on, the vagina kid could win it all by himself with his famous line, “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.” Man, that kid’s obsessed with va-jay-jays! Maybe he’s the son of the vagina joke guy from Predator! I mean, when they were playing the game “who is my daddy and what does he do.” We find out that vagina kid’s dad is a “carnogologist and looks at vaginas all day long” Another mom says that the dad is a “real sex machine.” I just couldn’t appreciate this scene when I was younger, but I do now. It’s exceptionally funny stuff. Kids will say the darndest things. C ½ isn’t able to deliver this kind of humor with the kids. It’s mostly just the one kid, so he’s not saying crazy stuff right and left like the KC kids. The other kids have a very small role in C ½. One scene I did like was when they were throwing Twinkies at the bad guys. Jeez, I’m still not over the Twinkie craving induced by Zombieland and now C ½ has to go and do that.

Round 4: Cop Action! KC is about police partners but it doesn’t really have a lot of cop action. It has a lot more in the way of comedy and kid action than Arnold or his partner O’Hara (Pamela Reed) busting asses. C ½ is centered around a kid doing police work, so there is a lot more cop action. There are car chases, mobsters, and running and chasing the baddies. Devon even pulls over a van and gives the driver a ticket for speeding. There are foot chases and stakeouts and just more time being a cop. Arnold is undercover in KC so he has to learn how to be a teacher and the tough cop work is put on hold. The winner of Round 4 is C ½.

Round 5: Time Until Action! In KC the action starts just ~ 5 minutes in with the baddie, Crisp, killing a guy. C ½ takes about 11 minutes before there is even a car chase. Uh oh, C ½ just got knocked down! Will it be able to get back up in time…oh yes! Yes, C ½ was able to get up but he’s looking a bit wobbly, Bob. KC wins this round.

Round 6: Baddies! Picture it: a singing mob boss! That’s right. In C ½ Ray Sharkey plays Vinnie, the head of the mob; however, he is really into singing oldies so the first time we see Vinnie he’s singing The Wanderer by Dion DiMucci. So he’s a hard core killer, even willing to kill children, but he still knows how to have fun. KC presents Crisp (Tyson) a really creepy baddie who does not know how to have fun. He’s pure serious and has his mommy to clean up after him a.k.a kill off any witnesses. C ½ pulls this one out by a thread. The singing mob boss is just too weird.

Round 7: Best Line! While C ½ had some funny lines, KC has the Arnold One Liners! Best one liner: It’s not a tumor! Other good lines from KC: I’m the party pooper; I’m John Kimble, and I love my car. Devon (Golden) from C ½ does a pretty good job at delivering some one liners of his own: Dang Marie, this is police business, I could’ve wasted you; If I were you, I’d play dead. This is not even a competition. KC wins hands down. Little Golden just can’t compete with the Arnold.

Round 8: Best Kill! Crisp is holding his son hostage while Arnold is trying to talk to him in KC. Unknowingly to Crisp, his son has a ferret stuffed in his sweater. The ferret gets loose, runs up Crisp and bites him on the neck. This surprises him so that he shoots Arnold in the leg and his son to run free. Arnold gets to his gun while the ferret is still attacking the baddie and Arnold puts him out of his misery by shooting him several times. C ½ only has one kill and it barely counts because it’s the mob killing one of their own and it doesn’t show it. No other kills! You wanna know how they deal with the baddie? The baddie is stuck inside a crashed boat on land and Devon pulls a handle to dump a ton of fish guts on the baddie. Woo, take it down a notch Devon. I don’t know if my eyes can handle that kind of Nickelodeon level violence. Ummm, KC wins this round.

Round 9: Best Explosion! Boo! Neither movie had an explosion. Both fighters punch themselves in the faces accidentally. Pull yourselves together.

Round 10: Action Rating! KC gets 1 Tumor, Not a Tumor, out of 5

C ½ get 1 ½ Tumor, Not a Tumor, out of 5.

Round 11: I couldn’t let C ½ win the final round so based on pure kick assness, KC knocks out C ½. This time, C ½ won’t be getting up. He’s down for the count! Fight’s over, fight’s over! DING DING DING!

The winner is Kindergarten Cop 7-3!