Back to the Girls Who Don’t Want Flowers for V-Day: Kill Bill, Vol. 1 (2004)

Bang bang, he shot me down. Bang bang, I hit the ground. Bang bang, that awful sound. Bang bang, my baby shot me down. –”Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)” by Nancy Sinatra.

I’ll take “Inappropriate lullabies to sing to children” for 500, Alex.

Now, back to my series of reviews titled “Chicks Who Don’t Want Flowers for Valentine’s Day.”

Kill Bill Vol. 1 is a ball-busting flick that immediately grabs your attention by showing a bride (Uma Thurman) in her lovely wedding dress, hair done, veil on looking so pretty on her very special day…except that she is beat to a bloody pulp, and said beating was at the hands of her group of ex-muchachos, the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. Oh, and then she gets shot in the head.  To add insult to injury, you find out that she is pregnant. Wooo, cold hearted killers. Then you hear a song begin to play that is really appropriate, and yet disturbing: Bang bang, he shot me down. Bang bang, I hit the ground. Bang bang, that awful sound. Bang bang, my baby shot me down. –”Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)” by Nancy Sinatra. I’ll take “Inappropriate lullabies to sing to children” for 500, Alex.

Thurman plays “The Bride” who is the most merciless, cold hearted, bizz-nitch I have ever seen in a movie. Then again, the people she is after did try to kill her on her wedding day, killed her child (or so she thinks), and killed all of the wedding party. So really they asked for it, right? I mean you don’t go around pissing off a bride on her wedding day, people. Haven’t you seen Bridezillas? It’s on TV for a reason: Take the lesson from your fallen comrades on the show and just pick another day. She may not have wanted revenge so badly had it been one day before or after the wedding.

Anyway, that is the whole movie: The Bride chases down the people who tried to kill her one by one to get revenge on them. Ohhh don’t worry, she does. She really does. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! Maybe that should have been the tag line for this movie because there’s a lot of that happening.  And is it just me, or have the greetings really gone downhill between the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad? Thurman greets a lot of them with punches in the face, swords cutting off a limb, or just swiftly killin’ em. Seems like killin’s as easy as breathing for The Bride.

O-Ren Ishii (Lucy Liu) walks around.

Kill Bill Vol. 1 had some great action in it. Thurman kicked so much butt… However, the movie was over 2 hours long. There was a lot of time where there was absolutely nothing going on. We get to watch Lucy Liu walk around for 5 freakin’ minutes. What’s the point? There were a lot of scenes like that, with things they could have cut out and no one would miss it. It made me so bored and I forgot about the action I just saw, which takes a lot of work. When the action did happen a lot of times it was over far too quickly. The Bride is too awesome for her own good. It only took 3 seconds for her to finish a kill and then it was back to boring stuff. I mean, come on, Tarantino! I want to see a lot less “Blah Blah” and a lot more BLAM BLAM! Overall, Uma Thurman as The Bride is definitely one chick who doesn’t want flowers for Valentine’s Day. She would prefer a head on a plate or a Hattori Hanzo sword. Better start working on it now, boys, cause those blades ain’t cheap, and Wal-mart’s probably sold out of decapitated heads this close to Valentine’s Day.

Time until the real action starts: ~ 5 minutes (this is time until The Bride starts in on the action).

Big bad baddies: Deadly Viper Assassination Squad

Best Line: “It’s the mercy, compassion, and forgiveness I lack, not rationality.” I wasn’t lying, she’s one cold hearted woman.

Best Kill: O-Ren (Lucy Liu) and The Bride (Thurman) are having their big showdown at the end of the movie. They fight, do a little dance together, and trash talk each other. Then, Thurman takes one swift swing of her amazing sword and Lucy Liu stands there shocked. She falls over and everyone can see that the top of her skull and been lopped off exposing her brain. She makes the comment that The Bride’s sword really is a sharp one. You think!?!?

Best Explosion: None, zilch, nada, nunca, zero, nil.

Action Rating: 3 psycho Asian chicks wielding balls and chains, out of 5