Taken (2009) Don’t Cross Liam Neeson

Never has the expression “Don’t talk to strangers” ever been as true as it is in Tooken, starring Liam Neesons. After some punks kidnap his daughter, the Liam drops the hammer and rules this movie as he kicks ass across Europe.

In Taken, Neeson plays Bryan Mills, a very concerned and skilled father whose daughter gets kidnapped by Albanian slave traffickers. BOY DID THEY PICK THE WRONG GUY TO MESS WITH! Mills worked for the government and had acquired some “very particular set of skills” over his career. What kind of skills, you ask? Was he good with computers? No. Could he julienne fries? Nuh-uh. His skills involve being able to hand ten armed gunmen their asses using only a shoe. That’s the kind of skillset I’m talking about. And that is the whole movie: Girl goes to Paris, girl gets kidnapped, Neeson goes to Paris and rampages through it to save her. The end. 

Taken helped pave the way for John Wick and all sorts of other “older, recognizable actor guy kickin’ ass” movies along the way. Rewatching Taken now, it’s easy to see why. There have been some complaints over the years that the movie requires no thought and has ridiculous situations that are far from reality. To quote MST3K, “you should really just relax.” The joy will be drained from all action movies if you overanalyze the feasibility of it all. Taken takes its wild ridiculousness very seriously, which adds to the fun of it all. Bottom line, see where this series got started if you love action, Liams Neesons, or hate human trafficking.

Time until the real action starts:  ~ 36 minutes. It has a slow start but once it gets going it doesn’t stop. There is an action-teaser about 10 minutes in just to let you know what’s coming.

Big bad baddies: Albanian slave traffickers

Best Line: “Now is not the time for dick measuring.”

Best Kill: Neeson comes face-to-face with a Sheik holding a knife to daughter Kim’s (Maggie Grace) throat. Neeson has a gun pointed at the Sheik’s head and the Sheik nervously tries to negotiate… right as Neeson pulls the trigger and pops that human trafficking dickhole in his facehole.

Best Explosion: Neeson is trying to get away in a car while being chased by the human traffickers. The car gets pelted with bullets, so Neeson spins it around and runs into several barrels of fuel. Then, he spins back the other way and hits a trash can with a fire, ie Cyberpunk Future Fireplace. The fire ignites the fuel and explodes. Now whether he planned all that or not, I don’t know but it was cool.

Rating: 4 out of 5 Liam Neesons kicking the crap out of drug-dealing people traffickers.

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!