Hercules in New York (1970) |

Now that I started off with one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s best movies (Predator), I’m going to review one of his worst movies. And I say “one of” because I haven’t see every single movie that Arnold has done. I know, I know, it’s terrible and I’m working as fast as I can to fix that problem. Can I still be in the cool kids club even though I haven’t seen all of Arnold’s films? Anyway, Hercules in New York is aw-friggin’-ful. The acting and the sets are so bad, it’s like a porno without anyone getting laid. Who wants to watch that? I made the comment, “Wow, this movie sucks!” Then I looked to see how much time had passed and it had been exactly 1 minute. You have to see it. And by see it, I mean watch some of it and fast forward through some of it until you get to the end.

Arnold plays Hercules, a Greek demi-god, who is tired of getting the royal treatment and tired of living in the most magical place on Earth, Mt. Olympus. Aww, poor Hercules! It’s really tough being a demi-God and being immortal and being able to have any woman he wants. I guess it’s not easy growing up anywhere. Suck it up, Hercules! Quit being a spoiled god. So, he decides to go to New York City to really experience life, only he gets to keep his super strength and immortality. So he wants to experience a human’s life, but as a god. Then he goes to New York and gets into trouble and then eventually learns his lesson and goes back to Mt. Olympus.

There was a lot more action than I ever expected, which means I expected none because there still wasn’t a lot. However, even in his first romantic comedy, Arnold kicks the crap out of everyone because that is just how he rolls. There were several fights through which Arnold got to show off his muscles. All in all, Hercules in New York is one that you must see at least a little piece of. It serves as a good introduction for Arnold and is a nice little story about mythology. However, I think some of the mythology was inaccurate and all of the acting sucked, but that just makes you appreciate how far Arnold has grown as an actor. And I mean he’s made some Hulk-sized leaps and bounds and then some. It was really funny to have just watched Predator, where Arnold didn’t have any problems speaking, and then watch Hercules in New York, where they had to re-dub his voice. Arnold has come a loooooong, long way in his career.

Time until action: ~ 9 minutes

Baddies: Gangsters

Best Line: Hercules says something inappropriate to a lady and another guy says, “Hey, watch your talk.” Hercules replies with, “I can hear my talk, I can not watch it.” Yeah, that was the best line. There wasn’t much to choose from.

Best Takedown: No one died in Hercules in New York that I recall but there were a lot of fights, thus the best takedown. While Hercules is riding around a park in a horse drawn carriage, there is a bear that got loose from a zoo and is running around scaring everyone. This bear, however, was running around mostly on his hind legs and would remember that he was a bear every now and then and start running on all fours. It was very obviously a guy in a bear suit. Then Hercules and the bear come face to face and of course Hercules has to show off his super strength so he immediately jumps out of the carriage at first site of the bear and starts to wrestle with it. Again the bear is on his hind legs wrestling with Hercules, and eventually Hercules punches the bear in the face and subdues him. It was so ridiculous I loved it.

Best Explosion: The only explosion in the whole movie (and I am being very generous when I say explosion) was at the very beginning. Zeus banned Hercules from Mt. Olympus and there was a quick puff of an explosion around Hercules and then he was gone. It was like a magic trick more than anything.

Action Rating: ½ Arnold Taking Down a Man in a Bear Suit, out of 5.