Film Review: Colombiana (2011)

Have all the stories in the world been told already? Is there really nothing out there that is a new and original plot anymore? It feels like there isn’t with Hollywood putting out remake after remake and formulaic movies such as Colombiana.

Colombiana stars Zoe Saldana as Cataleya, a hardcore assassin seeking revenge on the people who murdered her parents in front of her as a child. That one sentence sums it up completely. How many times has this story been used before? A LOT! But that’s okay with me as long as it has good action…but it didn’t.

The action in Colombiana was very low key, making it feel very sparse. Cataleya does a lot of sneaking in and out of small places like a ninja. Since she’s so stealthy, she kills her targets quickly and without them being able to fight back, making her a complete badass; but it doesn’t really make for a good action film. Colombiana had “stylish” action sequences. They were done in a very artsy manner with bullet shells hitting the floor in slow motion and quite a bit of implied action where you see dead bodies lying around but you don’t see how they got there. Show us the action, don’t imply it, people!

Saldana put forth a great performance and can definitely handle being an action star, but there were several things that just didn’t line up the right way in the story. The bad guys are never shown killing anyone (that I can remember). It’s all stated verbally that they killed so-and-so or implied, and you just see a dead person. Because of this, I didn’t really care if Cataleya got her revenge. I didn’t despise the baddies enough to cheer her on in her quest. Also, the sequence of events was so predictable even down to every fart that was let loose. Don’t be surprised if you’re not surprised.

Overall, Colombiana is watchable and somewhat enjoyable the first time around, but not enough for a second viewing from this Action Chick.

Beware Spoilers Below!

Time Until Action Starts: ~ 7 minutes

Baddies: Marco (Jordi Molla), Don Luis (Beto Benites), and gang.

Best Kill: Cataleya is fighting Marco hand to hand with a towel. She deflects his attacks and knocks the gun out of his hand with the towel. Then she attacks him with some toothbrushes! That’s different! They knock each other around and eventually Marco gets the gun and points it at Cataleya. She grabs the top and quickly drops the ammo clip out of the gun and disassembles the top and stabs Marco in the throat with it.

Best Explosion: A missile hits the bad guys’ place of operation scorching the inside and producing a lovely cloud of flames and fiery debris. It didn’t destroy the outside of the building though, because it was polite enough to enter through the front door and only hit the room that the baddies were in.

Action Rating: 1 ½ Cataleyas, out of 5.

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!