Cowboys, robberies, and an incredibly historically inaccurate look at the life of Jesse James is what American Outlaws is all about. Strap on yer spurs, you yellow-bellied varmint, and let’s get to moseying!
The basic plot is about a bunch of ex-Confederate soldiers (they kind of breeze over the whole slavery thing) turn to being outlaws when the hoity-toity railroad richie riches come to town. Colin Farrell plays the infamous Jesse James, a man known for his poor bank etiquette (and known for his brutality in real-life, which they also kind of breeze over). His gang includes brother Frank James (Scott Caan) and love interest/first cousin Zerelda “Zee” Mimms (Ali Larter, and yes, they breeze over the whole incest thing, too).
“Okay, so they’re, like, first cousins, but it’s cool because they’re both hotties.”
Anyway, there’s not a whole lot I liked about this film. The trailer’s chock full of circa 2000 tropes (a rap-rock soundtrack and randomly sped-up footage chief among them) and the movie itself is breezy with a chance of stupid. Colin Farrell kicks a respectable amount of butt while slipping in and out of an American accent, and the rest of the notable cast does their best with pretty insipid material about some people who were real-life dirtbags.
Time until action starts: ~ 1 minute
Baddies: Thaddeus Rains, Allan Pinkerton, and the railroad company.
Best Line: During a Civil War battle at the beginning of the movie, a soldier states, “My plan to lie here and piss on myself seems to be working mighty fine.” A true hero.
Best Kill: James is arrested and being transported by train. He manages to escape soon after the train takes off. Then, James harnesses himself just right so that he runs on the side of the train and shoots everyone through the window. Those same people getting shot are shooting at James as well, but they must have skipped their target practice because James escapes with without a scratch.
Best Explosion: James and his good ole’ boy crew turned down the offer to sell their land to the pretentious Rains and Pinkerton. They get an inkling that somethin’ bad is about to happen. So James and his brother run home to see that their house is untouched. As soon as they say, “Thank God,” the house explodes. Cathy Bates, noooooo!
Action Rating: 1 1/2 Sticks of dynamite with a little too much kick, out of 5
This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!
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