AFC Classic: The Losers Neither Wins Nor Loses |

With Star Trek Into Darkness out this weekend, and Captain America: The Winter Soldier coming soon, it seemed appropriate to go back and check out a work featuring two stars of those films: Zoe Saldana and Chris Evans. Here’s my classic review of The Losers!

Most people have been called a loser once or twice in their lifetime. Well folks, The Losers make that insult more of a compliment, because these “losers” are skilled, smart individuals, and kick a lot of ass!

Here’s a rundown of what The Losers is about: Five specially trained men are sent to Bolivia on a mission: the leader, Clay (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), and his compatriots Cougar (Oscar Jaenada), Pooch (Columbus Short), Jensen (Chris Evans), and Roque (Idris Elba). The mission turns out to be a set up by the baddie Max (Jason Patric) and ends with the Losers appearing dead to the world. The guys end up stuck in Bolivia until Aisha (Zoe Saldana) finds them and helps get them back into America if they promise to help her get Max.

The Losers is a perfectly acceptable, completely average action film. The plot was neither exciting enough to make you wet your pants, nor was it so boring you would rather be giving yourself an enema than watching the film. Nope, it was right in the middle of mildly entertaining but nothing fantastic.

The actors did a great job delivering their mediocre lines. I like Chris Evans and he definitely added some classic Evans charm to his character. Zoe Saldana did a great job being a bad ass femme fatale. She’s hot, she’s dangerous, and she can make a grown man squeal. Score one for the ladies! Another bonus for this film is that it’s five buff dudes and a hot girl kicking butt. The action itself was well paced and there was a lot of it, though there’s not much that’s especially tense or crazy about it. It’s just plain old fashioned action.

I enjoyed this film. It’s nothing to rush out and run over some old lady with a walker just to see the film. But it definitely could be a good one to catch if you’re looking for a movie to watch and you’ve already seen Kick Ass.

Beware Spoilers Below!

Time Until Action Starts: ~ 4 ½ minutes.

Baddies: Max!

Best Line: Nothing stood out as a particularly great line. There is a line that I like a lot with my own finishing touches. Clay is talking about Max and says, “Man’s got a voice right? If a man’s got a voice, he’s got a throat. If man’s got a throat, then…” Here Clay, let me help you finish that sentence. “If man’s got a throat, then it can be ripped out with my bare hands!” Yay! So much better, don’t ya think?

Best Kill: One of the baddies, Wade (Holt McCallany), is riding a motorcycle towards Clay. Behind Clay, there is a jet with more baddies in it going full throttle trying to run over Clay as well. Clay is just standing there, unarmed, staring at all the baddies coming at him. He ain’t scared. Know why? Because he knows his friend has his back. Off in the distance is Cougar, the most excellent sniper. He shoots the motorcycle’s gas tank and blows it up. That propels Wade up, over Clay, and into the engine of the jet, destroying the engine and splattering Wade real good. That’s the best kill, however, that sequence isn’t over yet. The motorcycle is propelled into the jet’s windshield causing a huge explosion and Clay walks away without a scratch on him.

Best Explosion: Picture it! A helicopter takes off with 25 kids inside. 25 kids that the “Losers” just rescued and saved from being blown up. Aww, happy story with a happy ending…then you see a missile. Oh yes they did! A baddie freakin’ blew up the helicopter full of kids! It was kind of shocking even though I was thinking it was be hilarious if they blew up that helicopter. Well, they did. It was a big explosion with a little bit of shock value. Perfect!

Action Rating: 3½ Chihuahua Bobble Heads, out of 5