The Small Town Critic found himself so overwhelmed by thoughts of our Action Flick Chick that he felt compelled to write the following missive. Maybe recent rumors regarding her true identity inspired him.
We won’t often have any guest writers because our Chick doesn’t like to share and she sure shouldn’t surrender turf to the boys when they already claim so much action flick territority for themselves. Readers of a site called actionflickchick.com expect content to be by or, as is the case in this instance, in reverence of action flick chicks.
Thanks for sharing this, Coop. Reading it was a blast, and we hope our readers will think so too. The Action Flick Chick will return the favor with a mission to smalltowncritic.com sometime soon. Brace yourself.
For security reasons, our Chick will neither confirm nor deny how much, if any, of the following describes her as opposed to some other action chick (except to stress that she is nobody’s mother).
Why Manly-Men Love Action Flick Chicks
Manly-men don’t dig Sandra Bullock. Why? Because of the characters she portrays on film. Cutesy wootsy… Always looking for “Mr. Right”… Whiney or mopey because she can’t find him… Dances in pajamas with friends while singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T into a hairbrush… Trips and falls down a lot in front of the guy she likes… etc.
Honestly her films aren’t all like that, but we got her number (us guys can smell a cheesy, paint-by-the-numbers “chick flick” from a mile away). Bullock might play a tomboy FBI agent in “Miss Congeniality” and boink Keanu after leaping off an exploding bus in “Speed” but we know within a week she’s going to be down with the Ya-Ya’s, eating bon-bons while trying to whip up some “Practical Magic” love spell to attract a girly-man like Hugh Grant or Jesse James. You here that, James? I’m calling you out!
What kind of cinematic women do manly-men like? Meryl Streep in “Doubt”?… No. Keira Knightley in “The Duchess”? Not really. Dame Judy Dench in the “James Bond” movies? Sometimes.
How about a female character who can take down a guy twice her size, isn’t afraid of snakes OR whiskey and can hotwire a car using a bobby pin in two seconds flat?
Such a woman can give even the manliest of men a fluttering sensation in the chestal area. Here are the characteristics of a bonafide, no-nonsense, ass-kickin’ “Action Flick Chick”:
She knows how to hold a gun, she knows how to use it, but she doesn’t always need it. At 14, Action Flick Chick’s ex-Navy SEAL dad teaches her how to bullseye silhouette targets from 500 yards away. At 18 she uses his hand-to-hand combat methods to break a purse snatcher’s wrist. For her 21st birthday dad gives her a nickel-plated Colt .45 so she can break in her new concealed carry permit. At 23, a would-be rapist sticks a gun in her face. She takes it from him and pistol whips him to a bloody pulp while saying, “So which end of this thing did you say was dangerous?”
She has personal demons. Her tragic past haunts her. Perhaps seeing her father get mowed down by terrorists or witnessing her mother get blown up by a mafia car bomb drove her to become tougher than the average bear. She might drink hard, play rough and go through relationships as fast as she goes through cigarettes, but she’s got a soft spot that others seldom see. A cool guy, a little kid or a lost puppy might see that soft side for a second, but she doesn’t have time for that now. She’s got work to do.
When the men are freaking out, she stays calm and calculating. She is the first to pop Hudson in the mouth for screaming “Game over, man! Game over!” She knows it ain’t over, she just needs a new plan. If only these stressed out, over-muscled goons would stop spazzing out, she’d have a second to come up with one while she’s reloading.
She can out-drink any dude. Constantly competing with trash-talking, chest-beating apes gets tiresome. The quickest way to shut them up is to beat them at cards, out-drink them or plant a foot in their face. Since cards aren’t always available and violence not always called for, a high alcohol tolerance is a must.
She only screams or cries when in pain. Her brother once jumped out of her closet wearing a hockey mask. Instead of alerting the neighbors with a high-pitched shriek, she knocked out his two front teeth. The few times she’s been shot, she let out a brief yelp, but after tying off a tourniquet, she was as good as new. After losing a loved one to a bullet, a pained cry might slip, but it passes. Time for revenge.
She’s confident while either skydiving out of a plane or dancing in high heels. Kicking ass isn’t all shotguns and hand grenades. Some jobs require a bit of finesse. Action Flick Chick knows how to flirt and she can bring the sexiness when it’s needed. A glass of champagne, a slinky dress and high heels (she never trips!) suit her well, but it’s only to get close to the target. Once the mission is complete, it’s back to business casual and beer with the boys.
She don’t take no guff. Don’t you EVER call her a “bitch.” Or a “ho.” Or a “C-word.” If you do, prepare to die a far worse death than any of your cronies. She’s spent all her life taking crap and hearing derogatory remarks from faux-macho piss ants like you. Expect to get shot in the junk before she puts two in your heart and one in your head. She ain’t in the mood.
She can have any guy she wants, but is only interested in a guy as equally badass as herself. A good man is hard to find for the Action Flick Chick. A lot of them talk a big game but rarely measure up. Every so often, a dark horse appears and sweeps her off her feet, but heartbreak comes with the territory. Maybe one day things will be different and she’ll be about ready to settle down. Until then, a fleeting romance might distract her briefly from the mission, but she never takes her eye off the prize.
Why talk? A mere glance or a punch in the face is worth a thousand words. ‘ Nuff said.
As a mother, she fights harder and fiercer than anyone to protect her young. If the Action Flick Chick survives long enough to enjoy the benefits of motherhood, she might find momentary happiness. Unfortunately the past always comes back to haunt her, putting her brood in danger. Unfortunately for the bad guys, nothing puts up a bigger fight than the mother bear protecting her cub. Get away from her you bitch!
Action Flick Chick uses “Practical Magic” too. It’s called a nickel-plated Colt .45. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Bullock!
– The Small Town Critic
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