Resident Evil (2002)

Milla Jovovich's eye. Featured in closeup in three Resident Evil movies and The Fifth Element.

You think she’s innocent. You think she’s helpless at first, and then she goes and breaks a zombie’s neck with her bare hands. Milla Jovovich is definitely one chick who does not want flowers for Valentine’s Day. Jovovich plays Alice in the pretty scary action-filled flick Resident Evil, which is just overflowing with creepy vibes, pounding music, and naked ladies (okay, so there’s basically just one naked lady, but she’s naked several times).

Milla Jovovich as Alice nude at the start of Resident Evil.

Milla Jovovich as Alice nude in flashbacks throughout movie.

Milla Jovovich as Alice nude at the end of Resident Evil.

There are a few lessons we can all learn from this movie. First off, always shoot zombies in the head, for the love of God! Always aim for the head! They never know that in the zombie films! It’s like they’ve never seen a zombie before! Also, note to self: Don’t ever volunteer to be the one who squeezes through the elevator doors if they won’t open, or any tight place for that matter. If a place is not big enough for you to easily fit through, then it’s like that for a reason. A good reason. The person squeezing through the tight place usually doesn’t make it to the other side in order to save the day and become the hero. No, they usually end up dead! Well, they do in the movies, anyway. Oh yeah, the last lesson learned is the most important one: Never mess with Alice, because she will snap your neck like a twig. You probably want to stay on her good side.

Alice is such a tough chick in Resident Evil she kills her ‘husband’ without even blinking an eye. It was quite exquisite, really, not to mention brutal. He’s coming after her (as a zombie) and…well, read about it under Best Kill…it was great. So once again, skip the flowers for Valentine’s Day for this butt kicking chick. Stick to the more traditional gifts like a bottle of the antivirus or a photo of her kicking the ass of a licker. Make sure you get one where she’s smiling.

Time until zombie related action: ~ 39 minutes. There is some other action right off, but it’s a while until the zombies show their cute little rotting faces.

Guys getting killed (Bad guys): Zombies and Umbrella Corporation people.

Best Line: “I could kiss you, you B****!”

Best Kill: Back to what I was talking about earlier. Alice is looking at her zombified husband and says sinisterly, “I’m missing you already” as she swings an axe, crushing her zombie husband’s skull. Nothing is holding her back.

Best Explosion: Sadly, no explosions in this one. Although the ultra-licker monster at the end burns quite nicely.

Best Narrow Escape: Some of the rescue team walk down a very long and narrow hallway. Suddenly both ends close and they are trapped. The others are trying to get them out when suddenly a laser appears and slides down the hallway. Most of them duck out of the way just in time except one…who gets her head cut off. Then the laser comes back this time cutting a guy in half. There is one guy who manages to maneuver his way each time so that he is not cut in half and then all hell breaks loose. The laser reappears again and there is one guy left standing. Alice and the others are desperately trying to open the doors. Just as the laser forms a grid and it looks like there is no hope for the poor guy, they get the door open. The guy just falls all over himself…but that’s because the laser cut him into a million tiny pieces. Oh yeah, he didn’t escape. I guess what I really meant to call this was…

Rating: 3 ½ Fancy Lad Lickers, out of 5.