Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987): A Bonkers B-Movie Bonanza

Hyper snakes, death frisbees, exploding toilets, exploding sex dolls, and oh-so much nudity. Hard Ticket to Hawaii has it all.

Sleazeball action auteur Andy Sidaris brings us what may be his magnum opus: Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Part of his Triple B series (“bullets, bombs, and babes”), Hard Ticket to Hawaii tells the story of Donna (Donna Speir) and Taryn (Hope-Marie Carlton), pilots and DEA agents who’re transporting some tourists to another island along with a hyper-snake that has been “contaminated.” (What is a hyper-snake, and how has it been contaminated? Who knows!)

While dropping off these hapless tourists they run into some drug lords with stolen diamonds, and, long story short, the gals get the diamonds, the drug lords are mad about it, and that hyper-snake slithers away to kill those hapless tourists and anyone else who gets in the way. The gals investigate this drug/diamond smuggling ring along with their friends, himbo Rowdy Abilene (Ronn Moss) and long-haired himbo Jade (Harold Diamond).

In case you can’t tell from the muddled plot, this movie is wild. Between the big ‘80s hair, clothes, and music, the bad ADR, the nonsensical dialogue, the even more nonsensical action sequences, the copious amount of nudity, and the exploding sex dolls and hyper-snake infested toilets, this film doesn’t disappoint for a second. Empty your bladders, boys and girls, HTTH is so hilarious that you’ll pee your pants if you’re not careful.

Time until the action starts: ~ 19 minutes

Big bad baddies: Hyper-Snake and drug lords

Best Line: “One man’s dream is another man’s lunch.” HUH?!?

Second Best Line: “If brains were birdshit, you’d have a clean cage.”

Third Best Line: “Just when you thought it was safe to take a pee.”

Best Kill: Oh, I’ve got to give it to Death Frisbee. A henchman is playing frisbee with a local hottie. Rowdy intercepts the frisbee and tells the hottie to buzz off, then, when the henchman isn’t looking, swaps it for a disc covered in razor blades which I guess he just had with him already? When the henchman tries to catch it the thing slices through his jugular and fingers like twinkies.

Best Explosion: Rowdy and Jade are driving in their jeep, having a himbromantic moment, when a henchman rolls up on a skateboard with a gun hidden behind… an inflatable sex doll. Rowdy and Jade, naturally, think nothing of a dude on a skateboard with sunglasses and a sex coll. After the henchman takes some shots at them (catching Jade in his highly-developed pecs but doing basically no damage), our boys hit the skater with their jeep, sending him sky-high, and then bust out a freaking rocket launcher, exploding henchman and sex doll alike. As they’re driving away, they laugh and comment that it’s too bad the skateboard got away.

Honestly, this is one of my favorite film explosions of all time. It was so awesome and so surprising that I had to rewind it and watch it again.

Rating: 3 Hyper-Snake exploding out of the toilet, out of 5

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!