Movie Match: Demolition Man Vs. She’s the Man

I want to know who the real man is. Is it the Demolition Man, or is it A-Man-da Bynes? Who will come out on top? Could Amanda Bynes possibly hold a candle to Wesley Snipes or Sylvester Stallone? Let’s look at the replay, Stan!

Round 1: The Opening! She’s the Man opens with a highly skilled soccer skills demonstration by Amanda Bynes. Look out fellas! She is on a mission to kick some balls around. Whoa, Demolition Man fights back with a twosome- Stallone fights Snipes right out of the gate, and Snipes turns around and kills a ton of innocent people. Demolition Man definitely wins this round with the twosome and mass manslaughter!

Round 2: Characters! As far as the leads go She’s the Man gives us yummy eye candy with Bynes, who knows how sing and dance as seen in Hairspray, and Tatum, who is lucky G.I. Joe came out right before I wrote this because otherwise people might not know who I’m talking about. Then there’s Vinnie Jones and…well, that’s all that matters. So Demolition Man throws Rambo and Blade at us. That’s a lot of beef wrapped up into one sandwich. And don’t forget the FBI agent who joined a beauty pageant, Sandra Bullock. And then there’s these guys: Dennis Leary, Jack Black, Benjamin Bratt, Glenn Shadix, and Rob Schneider. Demolition Man had me at Stallone.

Round 3: Musical montages! She’s the Man may be down but it is not out yet. This flick comes fighting back from the grave with several musical montages. And by several, I mean a butt-ton. And by butt-ton I mean at least 11 montages and I am positive I did not count them all because She’s the Man opened with a musical montage and had some more before I realized that I should be counting them. That is a metric butt-ton! How many does Demolition Man have you ask? There’s the one where they play music when Stallone and Snipes become friends and are running through the field of flowers holding hands and eating ice cream. Yeah, I don’t remember that one either. Demolition Man has balls, not a vagina. Stallone kills Snipes so hard that even his mamma thinks that his mind is gone. Of course there aren’t any musical montages, silly. She’s the Man wins this round without a shadow of a doubt.

Round 4: Sexual tension! Demolition Man definitely has plenty of sexual tension between the sensual Sandra Bullock and Hot hunk of roast beef Stallone. Then there’s the bonus sexual tension between Snipes and the fat guy from Beetlejuice (Glenn Shadix)! So we get the full spectrum of sexy! Hell yeah! However, She’s the Man comes out of left field and throws some sexual tension our way as well. Bynes dresses like a man and a girl totally falls for her…or him. Bynes may be dressed like a man but she was totally acting like a girl and that’s why the girl fell in love. Does that make the girl a lesbian? Hmmmm. Then there’s the traditional lead character sexual tension between Bynes and Channing Tatum. This whole movie is focused on the sexual tension and has the extra of girl on girl tension so She’s the Man comes out on top yet again.

Weirdly enough, Channing plays a dude named Duke in this one, too.

Round 5: Ass kicking! She’s the Man surprised me by having several fist fights throughout the movie, including a girl on girl fight. That’s a tough one to beat! Demolition Man has a lot of action and fights between everyone involved. Phoenix (Snipes) fights a lot of pansy cops and kills a lot of people, so I’ll have to give this one to Sly and Snipes.

Round 6: Time until Action starts! She’s the Man: ~ 5 minutes (A soccer ball hits someone in the head!) Demolition Man: ~ 1 minute. And that’s the real action! As I was writing the first line I thought I might actually have to give this one to She’s the Man, but Demolition Man came through for me.

Round 7: Baddies! So far Demolition Man is slaughtering She’s the Man! And we are about to see a massacre because as far as the baddies go, Demolition Man has Wesley freakin’ Snipes and She’s the Man has some kind of teen girl antagonist. I think we all know who wins.

Round 8: Best Line! “Is it just me or does this soccer game have more nudity than most.” “You’re going to regret this the rest of your life…both seconds of it.” I think you can figure out which line goes to which movie. You know, I think I am going to be nice and give this one to She’s the Man. The delivery on that line was great, and I’d like to encourage all I can to increase the amount of nudity at soccer games.

Round 9: Best Kill! Spartan (Stallone) was able to freeze Phoenix (Snipes) with some liquid nitrogen. Then, Spartan kicked Phoenix’s head and it broke clean off and shattered on the ground. It’s okay, Phoenix. No reason to loose your head over it! Ohh, Ice Burn! I guess it is corny o’clock in my head right now. She’s the Man really let me down in this area. I was really hoping to see some bloodshed out on that soccer field but it was nothing but sweat and tears. Booo!

I wanted to find a picture of Phoenix frozen at the end of Demolition Man, but I couldn't, so here's Boris from the end of Goldeneye.

Round 10: Best Explosion! Demolition Man comes out of the gate with a bang. A huge 3 story building massively explodes at the beginning and crumbles to the ground in just a few seconds. It was awesome! She’s the Man…not so much. No explosions unless you count the explosion of attitude from some of those people, but that crap don’t fly at the AFC headquarters.

Round 11: Action Rating! Demolition Man gets 3 ½ Sylvester Stallone Vs Wesley Snipes Vs. Amanda Bynes, out of 5.

She’s the Man gets ½ Sylvester Stallone Vs Wesley Snipes Vs. Amanda Bynes, out of 5 (there were several fist fights after all).

Ding, Ding, Ding! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a TKO. There will not be a 12^th round because Demolition Man has kicked the pants off of She’s the Man. Sorry, Bynes. Better luck next time.

Winner Recap: Demolition Man –8, She’s the Man- 3.

Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!