Vampires Who Suck: Lamest Movie Vampires!

In honor of Halloween, here’s a list of some of the worst bloodsucking undead ever to grace the silver screen!

You see, not all vampires were created equal. Some are magnificent creatures of the night; evil, sinister things that often serve as metaphors for our basest desires. Some are badass, self-loathing, vampire-hunting vampires (or half-vampires, in the case of Vampire Hunter D and Blade). Of all the undead in popular culture, no single entity is as well known as Dracula himself. As the progenitor of the modern vampire he’s (usually) more in the magnificent and evil category, though he does occasionally dabble in heroics depending on who’s writing him, which is why he makes for such an interesting lead character on NBC’s Dracula. But not every pop culture vamp is lucky enough to be a Dracula, or even a Blade, or even an Amilyn, Paul Reubens’ whiny bloodsucking character from the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. No, there are a few unfortunate vamps who aren’t the least bit cool, and who you feel kind of sorry for due to their overwhelming lameness. Sure, they may be vampires, but there’s no excuse for these vampires to suck so hard.

Peter Loew
Vampire’s Kiss

Okay, technically this idiot probably isn’t even a vampire, but he thinks he is, so he merits inclusion on this list. He certainly lacks the mystique and power of his contemporaries, but what he lacks in supernatural abilities he makes up for in Nicolas Cage scenery-chewing powers. Nick Cage oft hams it up in his roles, which is part of why we love the guy so much, and Vampire’s Kiss may be the hammiest role he’s ever had.

Evil Ed
Fright Night

Poor Evil Ed. You knew there were vampires nearby, and you tried to warn everyone. Did they listen? Not until it was too late, and you’d become that which you hated most. Fortunately, you’re also an extraordinarily incompetent vampire— getting staked before you can ever do any real damage.

Vampire Coolio
Dracula 3000

Specialist 187, a.k.a Coolio, is actually pretty effective as a minion of the reawakened Dracula. However, it still doesn’t change the fact that it’s freaking Coolio. How the hell are we supposed to take anything seriously when the same guy who did “Gangsta’s Paradise” is charging around with a set of plastic fangs hanging out of his mouth? Also, he doesn’t even get to die with class via stake/decapitation/fire/Pauly Shore movie. No, Vampire Coolio gets dusted by a flipping pool cue, which is only a step above getting killed by a pair of chopsticks.

Marko
Lost Boys

Marko merits inclusion on this list simply because of his oh-so ridiculous clothing, and the fact that he’s the first of the Lost Boys gang to bite the dust, so to speak, which makes him the most incompetent.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga

Was there ever any doubt that Edward Cullen would top this list? Of all the tortured, whiny, wish-I-didn’t-have-to-drink-blood-to-survive vampire to ever grace popular culture, he’s the friggin’ worst, and for far too many reasons to list here, so I’ll just hit a couple of the high points of his lowness. This mind-reading, super-strong, super-fast, nigh-indestructible vamp has all of eternity to do what he pleases, and what does he do? Go to high school. Over. And over. And over. Of all the things you could do with eternity, that’s probably the least productive thing you could be doing. And that’s not even getting into his weird, stalkery, very bossy relationship he has with the limp-wristed Bella Swan, a moron girl who got a crush on the coolest dude in her school, then married him and got knocked up with his demonic hellseed before she’d even hit twenty. Nah, that’s cool. It’s not like Bella might’ve wanted to see what was out there, or experience the world. Nope, she just needs to experience what Edward tells her to experience.