Ultraviolet (2006): The Monster You Don’t Want Knocking Down Your Door

As I’ve said before, Milla Jovovich is one hot lady. But she’s not just a hot lady, she does her share of kicking ass as well. Last year I inducted her into Chicks Who Don’t Want Flowers for Valentine’s Day for her role in Resident Evil. She’s so awesome that she is being added to the category again for her role in Ultraviolet.

Ultraviolet is similar to Aeon Flux and Resident Evil. It is about a highly contagious virus that gets out into the real world (sound familiar yet?) and turns people into vampire-like creatures called hemoglophages. Of course, humans get scared, and react by forming the Arch-Ministry which is believed to be releasing a weapon that will kill all hemoglophages. Violet (Milla Jovovich) is a hemoglophage sent to intercept this weapon that will kill her and all her little friends. The weapon, however, turns out to be a child. Naturally, when Violet first sees this child she threatens it and tells him, “The real monster you don’t want knocking down your door is me.” Awesome! Sounds like we’re gonna have some Milla vs. kid fightin’ in this film! Well, don’t get excited yet, folks. Violet’s maternal instincts eventually kick in and she turns around and beats everyone’s butts in order to save this child who might or might not be able to kill her with his blood. Geez, all that trouble over a single child. You know he’ll have some guilt issues if he gets to grow up.

Ultraviolet is like one big techno action movie. It seemed like techno music was always playing during an action scene, which kept you feeling enthusiastic while Violet sliced and diced. She single handedly kicks everyone’s butt and looks fabulous while doing it. That’s an automatic A+ in my book! And, the whole film is chock full of full-throttle, fist-pumping action, all reinforcing that this chick is a force to reckon with.

Ultraviolet is a diamond in the rough for me. I barely remember hearing about it and yet the action sequences kicked so much ass! The plot, however, was meh. I didn’t care whether the kid lived or died but it was fun watching Milla brutalize everyone.

Milla Jovovich rose above all opposition to achieve what she set her sights on. Her opponents kept telling her she would never make it past the next group of baddies, to which she would respond with, “Watch me!”  Then she would go on to kill everyone and make it out of said “impossible” situation. You won’t want to get Milla flowers this Valentine’s Day. Try sun block to help her with her light sensitivity, or maybe a new flaming sword. Or win your way into her heart through the kid. You could be his new daddy and/or a 2^nd mommy! Is hooking up with Milla worth it? I think so!

Time Until Action Starts: ~ 4 minutes.

Baddie: Daxus (Nick Chinlund), the leader of the Arch-Ministry!

Best Line: “You are all going to die!”

Best Kill: Two guys are running at Violet. She ducks and they stab each other. She jumps up on the swords and spins around slicing up two other guys. 2 seconds with Violet = 4 dead guys!

Best “That’s Just Wrong”: I like to call this move a hobo vasectomy. Violet is bent down behind a guy. She rams her sword up between his legs and slices his balls so hard that he flips forward. And then she shoots him. That is a prime example of putting the  double tap to good use. He definitely ain’t going to be having kids after that double tap.

Action Rating: 4 Ultra Violets, out of 5

Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!