Red Heat (1988): Do You Know Miranda?

You know how people will sometimes swear on things to try and make a point that they’re telling the truth? Usually, the ultimate thing to swear on would be on your mamma’s life or something like that. When someone is bringing their mamma into the picture they usually mean business. However, Red Heat has opened my eyes to a new – and I think more serious – swear. A guy says, “I swear on my balls, I don’t know where.” Now that is a real and very serious swear. Nobody wants to lose their balls (well, I imagine they wouldn’t anyway). Now I consider this a bigger swear than a mamma swear because your balls are always with you. They go wherever you go, and can be quite vulnerable when a baddie is pointing a gun at you. Your mamma, on the other hand, is not always with you. She is not in immediate danger as you’re saying all those swears. Whereas your balls are there just hanging out right in harms way. If the baddie doesn’t like what you say or doesn’t believe you, you just drew attention to your balls and probably gave the baddie some ideas. I would think you would be telling the truth if you are willing to bring your balls into the equation, but that’s just me.

Red Heat is supposed to be a buddy cop film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jim Belushi. However, Arnold kind of steals the spotlight and Belushi becomes the sidekick by the end of the movie. Arnold is just too awesome to really share the lead equally. Arnold plays Ivan Danko, a Soviet detective who goes to America to chase down Viktor (Ed O’Ross), a drug lord who killed Danko’s partner. While in America, Danko meets Chicago police detective Ridzic (James Belushi), who also conveniently had his partner killed by the same guy and his gang. So the two team up to take down Viktor, and by team up, I mean Arnold kicks some ass while Belushi makes all the jokes. Even at the end of the movie the final showdown is happening, Ridzic says something to the effect of “I give up” or “You got this” and steps to the side while Danko kills the baddie. Whoops, spoiler alert.

Red Heat is enjoyable. It is not Arnold’s best flick, but it is by far not the worst. The action is well paced and plenty of it is in there. Within the first 2 minutes, Arnold is kicking butt while his butt his hanging out. Yes, they start the movie off with a bare ass shot of Arnold. Nice. On the other hand, there is no reason to care about whether or not Arnold bags the bad guys or not. Sure, the baddies killed both of their partners but you don’t get to know the partners and don’t really care when they die. You just recognize that Danko and Ridzic are sad and now they have to get revenge, but I was not invested in it myself.

Time until initial action: ~ 2 minutes

Baddies: Viktor “Rosta” Rostavilli (Ed O’Ross), a Soviet drug lord.

Best Line: Arnold: Do you know Miranda?

Robber: Never heard of the b***h.

*Arnold punches robber in the face.

Best Kill: Poor shlub never saw his death coming. The baddies bust up into a random apartment looking for Danko. The baddies find a woman in the bed and they ask her where is he. She says in the bathroom. So they bust up in the bathroom shooting first and asking questions later. They shot a naked man to pieces while he was showering.

Action Rating: 3 ½ Arnold-oviches displeased with American TV, out of 5

Picture coming soon.

Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!