It should be no surprise to hear that this Action Chick is a huge fan of Sylvester Stallone and the Rambo series in general. In fact, it was after watching Rambo (the fourth one) that I decided I just had to share how awesome the film was, and thus the Action Flick Chick emerged from the jungle armed and ready to review movies. So yes, I am a fangirl of Rambo. That is, until Rambo: Last Blood (2019).
This is not a Rambo film. And it’s definitely not a Rambo film I ever wanted.
Beware: Fuck it, I’m spoiling everything
John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) is living a nice life on his deceased father’s farm with a long time friend, Maria (Adriana Barraza), and her granddaughter, Gabriela (Yvette Monreal), who have now become his family. Gabriela learns the whereabouts of her deadbeat dad who’s never wanted anything to do with her and runs off to Mexico to find him. Things almost get interesting when Gabriela meets up with her dad- has he had a change of heart? Will they reconcile allowing her to find some kind of peace? No! He tells her she’s the worst thing in his life and Gabriela leaves, heartbroken.
After the heart punch, things keep getting worse for sweet Gabriela as she gets kidnapped. Rambo, being Rambo, storms Mexico looking for her. It looks like maybe he’ll get to her in time- you know, before she’s drugged and forced into prostitution by the Mexican Cartel. Psych! He doesn’t. Eventually, when he does rescue her, you might think “Well, she’s going to be okay now.” Psych again! She dies on the way home. It all feels like having an olive branch extended your way and then having it slapped out of your hand over and over and over again. The whole thing left me feeling like Charlie Brown with the football, and there’s only so much hand-slapping, football-snatching shenanigans I can take before I say “fuck you, film!”
After the slapping down of the final olive branch, aka Gabriela’s death, the movie takes a turn for revenge- something the Rambo films have never been about! They’re about past trauma, atonement, daring rescues, cunning strategy, and ripped pectoral muscles. The four prior films establish Rambo struggling with the demons of his past and putting his skills to use saving others who are, more often than not, strangers in desperate need of help- and that’s fucking noble. It’s not revenge. There are tons of good action films about people wanting revenge; Liam Neeson’s starred in at least a hundred and eighty of them. Revenge can be a good foundation to an excellent film if done correctly (see also: John Wick). But. That’s. Not. Rambo!
There’s a lot of not-Rambo going on in this flick, in fact. The first hour of the film gives us an uncharacteristically dumb and impulsive Rambo, searching sloppily for Gabriela in Mexico. Since when does he go running into the lion’s den without preparing first? Without scoping out the layout, escape routes, counting how many henchmen are there, and at least having several different weapons on him (like exploding arrows or an easily-rippable shirt), and some kind of plan? Last Blood Rambo just walks up into the cartel’s place like an elderly man who got confused and lost on the way to Cracker Barrel. He does nothing but nearly die and draws more attention to Gabriela. He’s smarter than that. He’s better than that.
After this hour of Rambo accomplishing nothing, the real Rambo stands up like Slim Shady and gets to the bad guy killing. The rest of the cartel feels butthurt that he killed a few henchmen during Operation: Rescue Gabriela, and they set out for revenge. At the same time, Rambo is looking to kill them as revenge for Operation: Kidnap and Rape Gabriela, so they all decide to have a revenge party at Rambo’s house to see whose revenge plan will win out in the end. From there the film ends up feeling like R-rated Home Alone. The 15 minutes of actual action in the end, the Home Alone part, is really good. It’s dark, it’s brutal, and it’s satisfying. Rambo stealth-killing monstrous bad guys is what I came to see! But this satisfaction is oh-so-brief, and still doesn’t negate the tremendous heap of suckiness that came before.
After this mostly-unpleasant flick ends, things cap out with a montage flashing back through the entirety of the Rambo series, which would have been a really nice capstone to the character had it come at the end of a better film.
Some movies shit the bed at the end and leave you feeling grossed out, like you just need to throw away the sheets, but you at least had a good time/sleep until the shit part. Last Blood, however, shits the bed from the beginning and then tries to clean it up in the last half hour by finally giving you what you came for. At that point it’s too little, too late. You cannot unshit that which has already been shat. It pains me to say this, but throw out Last Blood like poopy sheets and move on.
Action Rating: 1 Poopy Bed Sheet, out of 5
Disclaimer: Just because I am the Action Flick Chick and love action movies does not mean I condone real life violence in any way. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, be nice to each other.
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