Machete Maidens Unleashed!, a truly awesome documentary on the wild exploitation films made in the Philippines, highlighted the film Ebony, Ivory, & Jade. So, of course I had to watch it.
The title is rather misleading, though. For starters, because of the type of film it is, you’d think it’s about three ladies, one of Asian decent, one of Caucasian decent, and one of African-American decent; but, oh no. That would make too much sense. It starts off with five ladies and ends (SPOILER) with three ladies, Ebony, Ivory, and apparently Ebony Jr. because Jade bites the dust at the end of the second reel. Also confusingly, this movie has about 12,000 titles: She-Devils in Chains, American Beauty Hostages, Foxfire, and Foxforce. This information should clue you in to the fact that Ebony, Ivory, & Jade is one of those ‘so-bad-it’s-good’ kind of movies.
Rosanne Katon, Colleen Camp, Sylvia Anderson star in as the titular heroes of this exploitation flick. It follows five women athletes who are taken hostage at an international track meet and must fight their way out of the dirty hands of the kidnappers or else….or else they’ll stay kidnapped.
As far as exploitation films go, this one is pretty decent in the treatment of women on-screen. None of the ladies get their clothes ripped off. There are no bare breast or blood and gore. There’s zero sexual assault. So if that’s the kind of exploitation film you’re looking for, Ebony, Ivory, & Jade is not for you. I mean it’s rated PG for crying out loud. However, if you prefer the not-so-gruesome and not-so-rapey movies, this would be a good choice. These pro athletes are constantly karate chopping and kicking ass in fights ranging from small skirmishes to all out-brawls, so there’s lots of fun to be had without the wild, frequently unpleasant, tropes common to ’70s exploitation flicks.
One moment that really summarized the so-bad-it’s-good tone of the whole movie comes toward then end, when one of the ladies has finally had enough from the kidnappers. In a fit of righteous fury, she picks up the guy holding her hostage and spins what is very obviously a doll, complete with floppy, flaccid legs, around over her head and through the window!
Ebony, Ivory, & Jade features a ton of cheesy dialogue, very poor quality audio/video, and some silly, kinetic brawls. It’s about as gentle of fun as you could ever hope for from a ’70s Filipino-sploitation flick.
Action Rating: 3 ornamental stones, out of 5!
This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!
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