One of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s earliest films, Cyborg features splits, kicks, and staring contests. A little known skill of Van Damme’s, he sometimes challenges the enemy to a staring contest, and sometimes he stares off into the void as if he’s taking on something/someone no one else can see. Good work!
In Cyborg, humans have nearly been wiped out by a global plague (hmm, I think we can relate) and data for the cure has to make it safely from NYC to the Atlanta CDC. A woman, Pearl (Dayle Haddon), volunteers to be turned into a cyborg in order to store the information and bring it back to Atlanta to save the world. Wait, what? “Why not just bring a portable hard drive?” you might ask. “What good does it do to turn her into a cyborg?” you might also wonder. I have no clue, and neither does the movie. It gets better from there.
Big baddie Fender (Vincent Klyn) initially doesn’t want the cure to get out because he likes this ravaged, post-apocalyptic world in which he can do whatever the fuck he wants and hurt whoever the fuck he wants to hurt, so he kidnaps Pearl. You might think that he intends to kill her, but then he changes his mind and decides to take her to Atlanta himself. “Why would he take her exactly where she needs to go?” you might inquire. I have no answers for you. Fender claims that he wants to hold the cure hostage and have a monopoly on its production… so he’s going to bring her to the CDC which will accomplish this… somehow. Huh!?!
Then we’re introduced to Gibson (Van Damme) via his foot kicking a dude in the face out of nowhere. Gibs is a “slinger,” also known as a mercenary. “Why are mercs called slingers?” you might think. Don’t know, that’s just the world they live in. Anyway, ol’ Gibs doesn’t really want any part of this Fender/Pearl business but Fender did happen to kill Gibs’ family a while back so he follows the pair to Atlanta, picking up Nady (Deborah Richter) along the way. Nady wants to help get the cure out into the world while Gibs wants to kick faces.
Knowing of director Albert Pyun’s tendency for wildness, I came into Cyborg expecting JCVD to be a cybernetically enhanced badass facing off against an army of cyber-badasses (or at least one more big bad cyber-badass). Instead, the titular cyborg is a woman who is basically just a macguffin getting yanked around by the men in the film. And her being kidnapped is incidental to the fact that Gibs finally has a shot at the revenge he so desperately craves. Not what I was hoping for, but Cyborg still manages to deliver some decent entertainment here and there. Some of that is helped along by the lush sets and costumes. Cannon had costumes and sets ready for a He-Man sequel as well as a live action Spider-Man film that never came to fruition. They didn’t want the sets/costumes to go to waste so Pyun wrote a new script in one weekend that would utilize the items. The result falls into the so bad it’s good category.
While the props and costumes are top-notch, the script has more holes in it than Bill Paxton on the poster for Near Dark, and the acting is basically non-existent. ‘80s JCVD knows how to rock the shit outta some splits and kicks but the second he needs to emote things get wobbly. That’s probably why so many of his scenes with the villainous Fender result in the two men just kind of… staring at each other. So much staring in Cyborg. It’ll make your eyes water in sympathy.
Speaking of the action, Cyborg offers up just enough to keep the film alive. The choreography is kinetic, but mostly kind of sloppy, with some high points here and there such as one of the best dummy body doubles ever to fall off of a building, and JCVD getting crucified like mother fucking Jesus (which doesn’t stop him just like it couldn’t stop Jesus). With all of the questionable plot points, wild apocalyptic fun, and head-scratching dialogue, there’s lots to like in Cyborg’s tight 86 minute run time.
Action Rating: 2.5 Staring Contests, out of 5
Disclaimer: Just because I am the Action Flick Chick and love action movies does not mean I condone real life violence in any way. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, be nice to each other.
