Crank (2006): Including the Manliest Kill Ever!?

I’m a little bored today. What shall I do? Oh, I know, I’ll make a movie that’s filled to the brim with drugs, insanity, and all sorts and reckless criminal behavior! It will be about a guy who gets poisoned and the only way to stop the poison is to…find the antidote…no, no, too realistic. Let’s say there is no antidote, and in order to stay alive he will have to keep his adrenaline pumping so his heart won’t stop. The science lines up on that, I checked. Then he can do all sorts of drugs, have sex, and crash cars while he gets revenge on the people who poisoned him. AND, because his adrenaline is pumping we can have him fall out of a helicopter from thousands of feet up, land on a car and bounce off, and he will totally survive…because of the adrenaline! That way a sequel is possible once everyone figures out how awesome this movie is.

That’s right, my punch-drunk pals, today I’m talking about the Jason Statham classic, Crank!

Writer/director duo Neveldine and Taylor are now known for the kind of trademark craziness to be found in Crank. There’s nothing so weird or wild they won’t do it if they think it’ll be exciting or get a laugh. Efren Ramirez (Napoleon Dynamite’s Pedro) kicking-ass in ladyclothes. Jason Statham and Amy Smart boning down in public (gotta keep that adrenaline going, natch). The aforementioned helicopter fall. Crank embodies a style of gonzo, late ‘90s/early ‘00s style of filmmaking which isn’t quite as in vogue anymore, which I say is to the detriment of cinema. The one black mark against it I will say is that the public sex scene has some non-consensual elements to it that really drag it down (something the sequel smartly decides to do differently). Consent is important, people!

That said, Crank is still a hell of a great ride overall, and one of Statham’s favorite films from his considerable body of work (and what a body it is, hubba hubba!). Crank: High Voltage takes things into an even crazier direction, so personally I’m keeping my fingers crossed that someday we’ll get to see the third entry in this trilogy, Crank 3: Chev Chelios Versus Hell.

Time until the action starts: ~ 4 minutes

Big bad baddies: West Coast Crime Syndicate

Best Line: “Al-Qaeda! Al-Qaeda!”

Best Kill: Chelios is driving a car with his best gal, Eve, in the passenger seat and they are trying to escape from the bad guys. In order to keep Chelios’ adrenaline going Eve decides to help out by laying her head in his lap and performing a… favor of sorts. While this is going on and Chelios is telling Eve how good she is at the favor, the baddies drive up beside their car. Chelios shoots out the passenger side window without looking, hits the driver, and the car crashes, all-the-while getting pleasured by his ladyfriend. I’ve seen a lot of macho, manly action movies but that is hands-down the “manliest” kill I’ve ever seen.

Best Explosion: A grenade ends up near one of the main villains. Being the ruthless killer that he is, he grabs the lackey next to him, throws him on top of the grenade, and then jumps on top of the lackey to hold him in place. When the grenade explodes, the hapless henchmen somehow soaks up the blast and leaves our big bad unharmed. Yes! Give me more movies with these Looney Tunes physics, please!

Action Rating: 4 cracked out Stathams, out of 5

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!