Conan the Barbarian (2011)

I know there are a lot of die hard original Conan fans out there, but I am not one of them. I love watching Arnold Schwarzenegger in an action film just as much as the next person, but I wouldn’t classify Conan the Barbarian (1982) as a true ACTION film. I have no nostalgia connected to the original since I watched it a couple of years ago as an adult, so this is one remake I whole-heartedly approve of!

Jason Momoa is Conan in the new Conan the Barbarian, and let me start off by saying that this film is an actual ACTION film. And it deviates from the original quite a bit. It’s definitely not one of those remakes that are the same scene for scene just with better special effects. Conan is trained by his father (Ron Perlman) to be a fighter at a young age. When his father is killed by a group of warriors led by Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang), who is in search of a missing piece to a mask that will give him the power to bring his wife back from the dead, Conan seeks revenge.

Man, the action in this film is non-stop and great! I bet the dialogue takes up about 10 pages total for the whole film. This formula fits it best: Fight, 2 minutes of talking, then a fight breaks out again, repeat. There’s a lot of down and dirty, hand to hand combat since this is set in the time where there are no guns, and it’s a lot of fun to watch. Watching Conan the Barbarian was more fun than I’ve had with a movie in while.

I did see that there were some complaints that the characters’ complexities were skipped over for gore and battle, and to this I say, “Hell, yeah!!!” It’s Conan, he’s a barbarian! I’m not looking for a complex character to contemplate the meaning of life. I’m looking for a shirtless guy to slay things, and slaying he does! Quit trying to ruin my action movies by saying there wasn’t enough plot and character growth. You’re RUINING IT! Go watch a drama and stay away from my ACTION movies!!

Here is what you should expect from Conan the Barbarian: A hella fun time, lots of blood and gore, essentially non-stop action, and Jason Momoa with his shirt off the whole time!!!

Time Until Action Starts: ~ Instantly!

Baddies: Khalar Zym

Best Kill: Young Conan is running through the woods racing fellow peers back to the village. Four enemy warriors capture Conan and are about to kill him when he goes all “Conan” on their asses. He uses their own weapons to maim them by stabbing them in the feet and legs. He then finishes them off by decapitating them and bringing the four heads back to the village. The look on his father’s face (Perlman) is priceless!

Best Explosion: There was only one but it was pretty good. Conan throws a torch onto multiple barrels of gas and kablooey! Big fire!

Action Rating: 5 Ron Perlman Faces, out of 5.

Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters.

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!