Bloodsport (1988): You Just Got Van Dammed!

Oh, Snap! You Got Van Dammed! That’s what Bloodsport should be called because this ’80s action classic features Jean-Claude Van Damme kicking an astonishing amount of ass.

This action classic stars JCVD as Frank Dux, alongside eighties mainstays such as Donald Gibb, Leah Ayres, and Bolo Yeung. Van Damme (Dux) enters the most brutal, illegal, any-freakin’-thing-goes, martial arts fighting tournament called the Kumite (pronounced KOO-MAH-TAY). His ultimate opponent is Chong Li (Yeung). Li has been known to severely handicap his opponents and sometimes even kill them, and he has a chest so villainously overdeveloped not even Baywatch-era Pamela Anderson could compete! Will Dux be able to overcome this mighty foe? DUM DUM DUM!

Bloodsport is “based on” the life of a real man, Frank Dux, who claims to have done the many great and near impossible things which are laid out for everyone in the film. I’d say they got a good person to portray Dux because Van Damme is not just incredible in the film, he also has a quite notable fighting record in real life. 

One thing I love about this film is that it has just the right blend of cheesy 80’s stuff and awesome martial arts mayhem. Do you dig ‘80s music that directly describes what’s happening in the movie? So does Bloodsport, which is why we get the ever-magical “Fight to Survive.”

Like training ‘80s training montages? Oh we’ve got ‘em aplenty. My favorite is the first of the many montages (in the ‘80s the economy ran on the mighty movie montage). During said sequence, JCVD’s master reaches in the water and catches a fish to show off his fast reflexes. However, you can see that the fish wasn’t moving in his hand. So congrats! You caught a dead fish, you have super fast hands. 

And, of course, no ‘80s action movie would be complete without some kind of nudity. As is often the case with these flicks, the leading lady gets far less focus on her body than does our pointy-nippled protagonist. Van Damme’s physique and action skills are incredibly impressive to this day. Despite having little training as an actor (which is obvious every time he opens his mouth to talk), dude knows how to make a fight look great, with all kinds of screaming palm-strikes, fancy flip kicks, and the splits! So many splits!

His split nut-punch was the direct inspiration for Mortal Kombat’s Johnny Cage, famous for his own split nut-punch. And then, some thirty years after the first MK, the rebooted MK1 gave us JCVD guest-starring as Johnny Cage. Now the split nut-punches have come full circle.

Anyway, enough about Van Damme, back to BLOODSPORT! This classic launched JCVD’s career for a reason, and even now, decades later, the cheese, the action, the muscles, all of it are just perfect! Watch it and I guarantee you’ll want to stand up and chant KU-MI-TE, KU-MI-TE, KU-MI-TE!

Time Until Action Starts: ~ 2 minutes

Baddies: Chong Li (Bolo Yeung)

Best Line: “Bricks don’t hit back!” An homage to the line famously spoken by Bruce Lee in the martial arts masterpiece Enter the Dragon.

WTF Line: “I love you.” This appears to be a normal, often spoken line in real life as well as movies. So why is it my WTF line? Because Dux is saying it to his hype man Ray. He’s not saying it to the girl he’s been oogling over the whole movie, no, he’s saying it to his best friend, the big, hairy dude. Awww, isn’t that sweet? Bros before hos, right?

Best Take Down: Dux is fighting a huge dude who’s not been phased by Dux’s initial assault. However, the D-man still has a few tricks up his sleeve. The opponent lunges toward Dux thinking he has the upper hand, and Dux drops into a split and power uppercuts the guy right in the balls. BOOM! I hope you already had kids, pal, cause you ain’t havin’ any after that uppercut to the undercarriage!

Best Explosion: This is a martial arts film, there aren’t any real explosions. However, a nice substitution would have to be when Chong Li is fighting one of his many opponents. Being the bad guy that he is, he doesn’t play fair. In order to end the fight, Li kicks the side of his opponent’s knee causing his knee to explode! Well, not literally, but the bones do pop out of the guys skin with a really nice cracking sound.

Action Rating: 4 Naked Jean-Claude Van Damme Booties, out of 5.

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!