AFC Classic: Ghostbusters – Who You Gonna Call and What to Do Until They Show Up

I love Ghostbusters, I love Bill Murray, and the fact that this film was inspired by Dan Aykroyd’s own fascination with the paranormal is just the icing on top. This is one of those classics that you turn to when nothing else is on TV because it’s still enjoyable after the 100^th time you watch it, and it always seems to be on (that or Groundhog’s Day). Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, and Ernie Hudson make up the perfect foursome to deliver laughs. And don’t forget kicker of asses Sigourney Weaver. We get to see a different side of her in this flick: a barking, floating above the covers side. She leaves all the ghostbusting up to the “professionals.”

The Ghostbusters are very popular. In fact, they are in such high demand these days that you might find yourself in a bit of a predicament when there’s a ghost in your house because the Ghostbusters are out on several other calls. There are only four of them and they only have the whole world to save from ghosts after all. And let’s face it, Hitler’s ghost does not go down easy. First they have to capture Hitler (and we all know that’s no easy task) and save all the ghosts Hitler had rounded up because it’s just the right thing to do. Then they have to capture all those ghosts that they just freed because they really can’t have all those ghosts running around. You can see how it can get messy and complicated with all the ethical issues. So, you might have to stall for several hours before they can get to you. Here are a few tips on how to stall if you find yourself with a ghost in your house and no Ghostbusters to deal with it.

Well, first of all, you still have to call the Ghostbusters, duh. They do not have telepathic powers with people. If they aren’t available right away, which 90% chance they won’t be, you’d better hope it’s a friendly ghost or a least one that can be tricked or won over or else you can bend over and kiss your ass goodbye. But really, you have to kill time just long enough for the Ghostbusters to become available and get there. So: throw a sheet over your head with eye and nose holes cut in it. This has a 35% chance of tricking the ghost into thinking you are one of them. Then you will have to join the ghost in whatever shenanigans he wants to do or else your cover will be blown. So be prepared to make ghost noises and spook some kids, then go raid the kitchen for some Boo-berry cereal. The more you gobble down, the higher your percent of surviving will be. And make sure you have some green goop on hand and ready so that you can leave it behind on everything you touch or maybe just spit it at the wall or in the face of that annoying relative who has overstayed their welcome. It’s not your fault. You had to spit the goop on them or the ghost would have known you were a human, try to be understanding. That’s your story, stick to it.

If you don’t have the ghost sheet ready at any moment’s notice, you may not have time to make one right then. In which case, what’s wrong with you?!? You should always have a ghost sheet available for times like these, adults and kids alike. But, let’s say your cousin was borrowing yours for this very reason and so you’re stuck without your ghost sheet. You can always try to trick the ghost in another way. Try wrapping yourself from head to toe in toilet paper. There is always plenty of that around and a 25% chance of working.

If the ghost seems to be a smart one and isn’t going for any of your tricks, try to win it over. First, take in all the clues to try to figure out the background of the ghost. If it’s wearing a confederate uniform, start talking about those damn Yankees. If it gets very upset because you misinterpreted the uniform, say, “I mean, those damn Yankees were the best damn soldiers there ever was.” Think carefully; word your sentences so that stuff can be added on if you say the wrong thing. If it’s wearing a nurse outfit, talk about how horrible the doctors’ handwriting is and how you just can’t live with them or live without them. If it happens to be a doctor, say, “Me personally, I can’t live without them. Nurses on the other hand, they are always calling in the middle of the night for nothing.”

If it’s a fat ghost, offer it free reign on your kitchen. Offer to take it out to eat at Chuck E. Cheese. If this works, then maybe you can use the Jedi mind trick and say, “I am not the one you are haunting.” Then pick out some random annoying kid at Chuck E. Cheese who cut in front of you for the ball pit before proceeding to pelt you with balls the whole time you were in there. Point the ghost in that little bugger’s direction. Then make your getaway, or hopefully the Ghostbusters will have arrived by that time. The last, and most important tip for dealing with the supernatural: If anyone asks you if you’re a god, you say YES!

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!