Oh, snap! You just got Van Dammed! That’s what Bloodsport should be called because Jean-Claude Van Damme kicks an astonishing amount of butt. Bloodsport is a great classic action film starring Van Damme as Frank Dux, along with fellow actors Donald Gibb, Leah Ayres, and Bolo Yeung. Van Damme (Dux) enters the most brutal, illegal, any-freakin’-thing-goes, martial arts fighting tournament called the Kumite. His ultimate opponent is Chong Li (Yeung). Li has been known to severely handicap his opponents and sometimes even kill them, not to mention the fact that he’s got such an overdeveloped chest that his rack would rival even Pamela Anderson. Will Dux be able to overcome this mighty foe? DUM DUM DUM!
One thing I love about this film is that is has just the right amount of cheesy 80’s stuff and awesome kick butt action. It just wouldn’t be a good 80’s fighting movie if there weren’t some training montages. In the first training montage, the master reaches in the water and catches a fish to show off his fast reflexes. However, you can see that the fish wasn’t moving in his hand. So congrats! You caught a dead fish, you have super fast hands. Then there’s the song for another montage, “Fight to Survive!!!” Hell yeah! What a great 80’s song for a fighting 80’s montage!
Bloodsport also has a great display of all kinds of styles of martial arts. Every fighter gets to show off his moves just before they get owned by Dux or Li. And Van Damme! He’s very impressive in this film. He shows off his nicely shaped body by being shirtless most of the film and his flexibility by doing the splits at several different points. Often times he is doing the splits between two objects so that he is elevated off the ground. Geez, it’s enough to make everyone say “Ouch!”
Bloodsport is based on a real life fighter, Frank Dux, who claims to have done the many great and near impossible things which are laid out for everyone in the film. I’d say they got a good person to portray Dux because Van Damme is not just incredible in the film, he also has a quite notable fighting record in real life. It’s also reported that Van Damme will return to boxing in March of this year. That’ll be exciting to see if he still has what it takes to win. I believe in you, JCVD!
HRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Anyway, enough about Van Damme, back to BLOODSPORT! Like I said, this is a great movie, full of fighting, and some perfect cheesy 80’s stuff. It’s an awesome classic, and if you haven’t seen it you’re really missing out.
Time Until Action Starts: ~ 2 minutes
Baddies: Chong Li (Bolo Yeung)
Best Line: “Bricks don’t hit back!” That line is a variant of a legendary line spoken by Bruce Lee in the martial arts masterpiece Enter the Dragon.
WTF Line: “I love you.” This appears to be a normal, often spoken line in real life as well as movies. So why is it my WTF line? Because Dux is saying it to his hype man Ray. He’s not saying it to the girl he’s been oogling over the whole movie, no, he’s saying it to his best friend, the big, hairy dude. Awww, isn’t that sweet? Bros before hos, right?
They’re totally BFFs.
Best Take Down: Dux is fighting a huge dude who’s not been phased by Dux’s initial assault. However, the D-man still has a few tricks up his sleeve. The opponent lunges toward Dux thinking he has the upper hand, and Dux drops into a split and power uppercuts the guy right in the balls. BOOM! I hope you already had kids, pal, cause you ain’t havin’ any after that uppercut to the undercarriage!
Best Explosion: This is a martial arts film, there aren’t any real explosions. However, a nice substitution would have to be when Chong Li is fighting one of his many opponents. Being the bad guy that he is, he doesn’t play fair. In order to end the fight, Li kicks the side of his opponent’s knee causing his knee to explode! Well, not literally, but the bones do pop out of the guys skin with a really nice cracking sound. It makes you grit your teeth and yell “OOOOHHHH, CRAP!”
Action Rating: 4 Jean-Claude Van Damme Booties, out of 5.
Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters.
This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!
Bloodsport was requested by @Dannyson1.
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Pet peeve: it’s “fazed,” not “phased.”
A classic. Can’t count how many times I’ve watched this. I’ve written the line “very good, but bricks not hit back” into actual dialogue in my books. Also, best slow-mo nut-punch expression of pain in the history of movies.
This is easily my favorite Van Damme flick. Very fun write up for it.