Spoiler: Kick-Ass (2010)

WARNING! THIS IS A COMPLETE SPOILER OF EVERYTHING IN THE FILM KICK-ASS! Turn back if you don’t want the film spoiled! I’ve just posted this because there are folks out there that will eat up any kind of spoiler, and I’d hate for them to go hungry. A Spoiler Free review will be posted shortly.

SPOILERS START NOW! Here’s the lowdown on Kick-Ass: Dave (Aaron Johnson) decides to become a superhero called Kick-Ass but he possesses no superpowers or even a tiny bit of training. His first encounter while trying to be a superhero ends up with him getting the crap beat out of him and then getting stabbed in the stomach. He gets hospitalized and eventually recuperates, but his body is filled with metal plates and his nerve endings are screwed up so that now he is a little more resistant to pain. He’s still not particularly skilled at anything, so he continues to try to fight crime and continues to get his ass kicked. Eventually, he manages to win one fight. That one victory gets captured on video and posted all over the internet making Kick-Ass a famous superhero.

Meanwhile, Nicholas Cage dresses up like Batman and calls himself Big Daddy, all the while training his daughter who also dresses like a superhero and calls herself Hit-Girl (Chloe Moretz). Big Daddy lost his job as a policeman because crime lord Frank D’Amico (Mark Strong) framed him for possession of drugs after Big Daddy refused to join his team of baddies. Big Daddy spent several years in jail for the crime he didn’t do. His pregnant wife couldn’t handle being alone so she committed suicide by downing a bottle of pills, and fortunately the doctors were able to save the child. So Big Daddy gets out of jail and trains his daughter (Hit-Girl) to become a deadly weapon so they can get revenge on D’Amico.

Big Daddy and Hit-Girl cross paths with Kick-Ass and they bring down Frank D’Amico and his team of baddies. Big Daddy dies so Hit-Girl has to rely on Kick-Ass as her support guy. She kills a butt-load of baddies, but right when it looks like Hit-Girl is going to be toast, Kick-Ass shows up outside the window using a jet pack with Gatling guns attached to it. He kills everyone except D’Amico and his son (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), who dressed as a superhero Red Mist to catch Kick-Ass in the first place.

Kick-Ass and Red Mist battle in a fight to the finish. However, both of them are equally inept so they end up knocking each other out.

Meanwhile, Hit-Girl and D’Amico go toe to toe. She holds her own for awhile but D’Amico ends up beating her down, I mean, she was probably exhausted from killing like twenty of his best men not ten minutes earlier, plus she’s only eleven. D’Amico goes for the coup-de-grace when Kick-Ass shows up at the last second with a bazooka. He says, “Why don’t you pick on someone your own size!” He blasts D’Amico to bits with a rocket from the bazooka, lighting up the New York sky.

Kick-Ass picks up Hit-Girl and they fly off on the jet pack, while Red Mist wakes up from being knocked out and puts together everything that just transpired. He then swears that he’ll have his revenge. Call me crazy, but I think they might be setting up for Red Mist to be the villain of the next film.

Oh yeah, and Kick-Ass ends up getting it on with Katie (Lyndsy Fonseca a.k.a. Ted “How I Met Your Mother” Mosby’s daughter), while his dorky friend Marty (Clark Duke) hooks up with Katie’s best pal.

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!