Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)

AND NOW! THE SPECIAL EVENT YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! THE ACTION FLICK CHICK’S NEW SERIES “CHICKS WHO DON’T WANT FLOWERS FOR VALENTINE’S DAY!” To celebrate this repugnant holiday, I’m gonna review movies about chicks who kick so much ass, they don’t even need guys at all.

First up is the lovely, the sexy, the kicker of asses Lara Croft played by Angelina Jolie. She’s a motorcycle riding, leather wearing, gun slinging tomb raider in the movie Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. Croft is an independent woman who can take care of her own problems by using two guns and plain old fashioned ass kicking. Boys, tuck away your junk because Croft doesn’t mess around. She plays for keeps.

Croft opens the movie kicking a robot’s butt and it doesn’t stop there. She discovers an ancient clock that links to an ancient story; and, with the clock she can find an ancient triangle that will give her the power to control time and bring back her father. It’s all very ancient and very modern, tres chic, no? Since the power to control time is at stake here, of course there are other, power hungry, greedy people seeking to get to the triangle first. That is how the butt kicking comes about. Croft is determined and stubborn and not about to let any man get in her way.

Tomb Raider is one of the more action packed flicks I have seen in a while. It has a lot of action sequences, at least four; and they are each pretty lengthy. It is also the plain old action without the gore, just stunts and guns. I love how Croft reloads her guns. She is always duel-wielding guns and never puts one down to reload. She just releases the empty clips and slides the guns over the new clips attached to her thighs. That is the sexiest way of reloading a gun in existence.

Another favorite aspect of this movie is how Jolie plays the character. She never seems worried or stressed because she knows she is going to kick ass. All the while she is doing the kicking she will give flirtatious smiles, some to her enemy but mostly just because she is having such a freakin’ good time. She also uses her sexuality to soften her opponents but she never lets ‘em get any. I have to say she knows how to work more than just guns, am I RIGHT? Now, before this flick, I never really liked Jolie myself. She was just another actress, but now I think I have a little girl crush on her, which is like a Man Crush, but sexier and smells better.

The eye candy is not half bad in Tomb Raider. It’s pretty awesome in fact. We’ve got Daniel Craig and Angelina Jolie pleasing the ladies and gents. There is even a shower scene with Craig for all you boys and girls who are interested. He probably worked out a time or two to prepare for that.  Now boys…or girls, if you want to woo Croft over, you’d better not bring floofy flowers, boxes of candy, or stuffed animals; you’d best be bringin’ a high powered pistol, a 6 inch knife, and your “A” game to the table. That’s the only path to her heart because this chick doesn’t want flowers for Valentine’s Day. Tomb Raider is fun and full of action, a worthy choice for the next sleepover party.

Amount of time before action: ~ 1 minute, and that’s because it takes a few seconds for Croft to hunt down the robot.

Guys getting killed (Bad guys): Members of the Illuminati

Best Kill: In the end, Croft is watching the triangle slowly rewind time. Powell (main bad guy) had thrown a knife at West (Daniel Craig). Croft is able to turn the knife around so that when time is restored to normal the knife stabs Powell in the shoulder. Then, Powell, obviously not catching on that Croft is a specialized ball remover, antagonizes her and they duel. Croft kicks his ass so hard that I bet his mamma was coughing up blood. She gives him one last blow to the throat and reclaims the thing that was rightfully hers in the first place.

Best line: There wasn’t any particular line that was attention grabbing in this movie. But, there is a line that really brings home the fact that Croft is a crude butt kicker that doesn’t have any girly bone in her body. The butler is saying that a lady should be modest and Croft rips off her towel, stands there butt naked in front of him and says, “Yes, a LADY should be.”

Rating: 4 out of 5 snarky British butlers

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider trailer.