Hellboy 2: The Golden Army (2008)

I HAVE BEEN TRICKED! IF YOU’RE NOT CAREFUL YOU WILL BE TRICKED TOO. Here I was thinking Hellboy II was an action movie, and probably a pretty good one at that, but what I got instead was a movie filled with plot and a foofy schmoofy love story. Blaah, Gagg. If I wanted a foofy schmoofy love story, I’d watch Moulin Rouge. Save it for the Lifetime Channel, people. I know I know, I just offended you because you liked Hellboy II. Well, too friggin’ bad. And now for a little segment I like to call 16 No’s.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

What’s up with all the brother/sister incest insinuations? EWWW. The Prince totally copped a feel on the Princess. Can’t we have a movie, for once, where the freaks are appreciated for saving the world and not ridiculed? I mean are we, the normal boring people with no special powers, that stupid? Or maybe THAT is our special power. Finally, who wants to sit through a 2 hour movie full of plot? Stick to the action.

Now to completely blow your mind: I did like the movie all right. It incorporated some humor, which is always a plus. It wasn’t pants splitting humor, but it was amusing nonethe ess. Hellboy II also had really good character development along with a somewhat entertaining story. It just didn’t do it for me in the action department. The action scenes where few and far between, and when there were action scenes, they seemed a bit too short and it seemed a bit to easy for Big Red to overcome his foes. What I do like about this movie is Hellboy’s character. The dude gets right to the point. If someone isn’t giving up the information or cooperation like Hellboy wants them too, then he just freakin’ punches them in the face, which usually sends them to the next city. Now that’s how you deal with the bad guys.

Time until the real action starts: ~ 21 minutes

Big bad baddies: The Prince Nuada and the Golden Army.

Best Line: Prince Nuada says that he is going to kill all the good guys and Hellboy says, “Then why don’t you start with me, your royal ass-ness?”

Best Kill: Sometimes in a scene, you just know exactly which guy is going to get his balls handed to him. In this scene you’ve got Elizabeth, Abraham, and Hellboy (all the main characters) in a room investigating stuff, and then you have some unknown guy working with them. Hmmm, I wonder why he’s in the scene. Well, he dies. Horribly. These little critters called the Tooth Fairies come swarming out of the wall and start burrowing into his skin and his face. They call them the Tooth Fairies because they go for the teeth first. And boy did they! Hundreds of them swarmed this guy, and he was a skeleton in no time. I would have to say that is the first time I have seen that happen.

Best Explosion: There wasn’t any really good explosion; however, there was one. Elizabeth (Selma Blair) is being swarmed by these Tooth Fairies and looses control of her powers. She explodes with heat and fire, knocking Hellboy out the window and killing all the Tooth Fairies.

Best Accidental Suicide: This big boy monster that you think is going to be an enemy throughout the whole movie actually kills himself. He is fighting with Hellboy and he has a hand that detaches from his body but is connected by a chain. He shoots it out at Hellboy, Hellboy moves out of the way and the hand gets caught in this grinder thingy. He gets sucked in and gets crushed into a pancake. He’s not that brightest crayon in the coloring box now is he?

Rating: 2 ½ Big Babies, out of 5

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army trailer.