Action Flick Chick

Posted By Action Flick Chick on April 26, 2009

I’m a little bored today. What shall I do? Oh, I know, I’ll make a movie that’s filled to the brim with drugs of all sorts and reckless and criminal behavior! No, not Requiem for a Dream. Crank! It will be about a guy who gets injected with some poison and the only way to stop the poison is to…find the antidote…no, no, too realistic Let’s say there is no antidote, and in order to stay alive he will have to keep his adrenaline pumping so his heart won’t stop, yeah, that’ll totally work. Then he can do all sorts of drugs, have sex, and crash cars while he gets revenge on the people who poisoned him. AND, because his adrenaline is pumping we can have him fall out of a helicopter from thousands of feet up, land on a car and bounce off, and he will totally survive…because of the adrenaline! That way a sequel is possible once everyone figures out how awesome this movie is. Sign me up!

Crank is a very exciting, very, very, non-realistic, out of this world crazy movie, and it is tons of fun to watch. It’s really funny too. I don’t know if it was meant to be funny, but I found it hilarious. For example, take this lil tidbit of dialogue: “You have yourself a nice death…a**hole. Who wants white meat; I wonder how many steaks I could carve out of you.” WTF? I love crazy lines like these, and there’s plenty more where those came from.

One of the most memorable pictures I will take with me from this movie is Efren Ramirez (Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite) in drag. Priceless. Also there is quite an… odd public sex scene in this flick. I didn’t really find it all that funny because at first it looks like he is trying to rape her and she is fighting him and yelling to stop and no (to be fair to Jason Statham’s character, he needed the adrenaline to survive, so it’s not like he was pawing at her just to be a jerk). But, freakin’ not a single onlooker tried to help her, they just stood by and watched to see if he was going to get in there or not. As a female, this is quite disturbing. I know it’s just a movie, but this stuff has happened in real life as well where onlookers don’t do jack to help someone in need. Well enough ranting and unpleasantries. Apart from that scene, it was a fun adrenaline filled movie. I will definitely have to tell you how Crank: dos turns out. Plus, Statham is hot!

Time until the action starts: ~ 4 minutes

Big bad baddies: West Coast Crime Syndicate

Best Line: “Al-Qaeda! Al-Qaeda!”

Best Kill: Chelios is driving a car with his girlfriend, Eve, in the passenger seat and they are trying to escape from the bad guys. In order to keep Chelios’ adrenaline going Eve decides to help out by laying her head in his lap and performing a… favor of sorts. While this is going on and Chelios is telling Eve how good she is at the favor, the badies come up beside their car. Chelios shoots out the passenger side window without looking, hits the driver, and the car crashes. All the while getting pleasured by his pretty lady. I think that is the “manliest” kill I’ve ever seen, hands down. It doesn’t get any better than that.

Best Explosion: A grenade is tossed near one of the main baddies. Being the ruthless killer that he is, he grabs the guy next to him and throws him on top of the grenade and then jumps on top of the guy to hold him in place. It explodes and so does the guy. Yet somehow, the main baddie managed to survive…not sure that’s plausible but it sure is fun to watch!

Action Rating: 4 cracked out Stathams, out of 5

Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters.

Categories: * all movie reviews *, 4 kabooms, R-rated, action, movie
Tags: action, Adrenaline, Amy Smart, boobs, breast, Brian Taylor, Carlos Sanz, drug use, Drugs, Dwight Yoakam, Edi Gathegi, Efren Ramirez, Jason Statham, Jose Pablo Cantillo, Lakeshore Entertainment, Mark Neveldine, Nudity, Partial Nudity, pervasive language, R-rated, Reno Wilson, Sex Scene, sexuality, suspense, thrill, violence