Catwoman (2004)
Posted By Action Flick Chick on February 4, 2010
What better way to start off the best series, “Chicks Who Don’t Want Flowers for Valentine’s Day,” than with the worst movie, Catwoman! Catwoman has earned herself a spot in my series because she is a kick ass female, despite what the movie showed us. I don’t understand how Catwoman had so many good actors like Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, and Benjamin Bratt and yet sucked so hard it created a black hole the size of Jupiter. This film was nominated for 7 Razzies and won 4 for worst picture, actress, director, and screenplay. Now doesn’t that sound like a film you want to watch?
Halle Berry plays Patience, a regular ol’ timid gal who designs ads for a beauty cream that is supposed to not only stop signs of aging but also reverse them. She discovers the deadly secret that the cream will make your skin decay if you stop using it, and the head of the beauty line gives an order to kill her. I don’t know about you, but that makes me want to rush out and buy some face cream! Yay! Mummy face! Anyway, Miss Patience bites the dust until a cat breathes life back into her. I’m not kidding. A cat walks up to her face and just about gives her mouth to mouth. Patience comes back to life feeling like a new woman, a catwoman.
Everything about Catwoman was bad: the acting, story, action. You name it and it was bad. However, I wasn’t ever bored with this film and that’s my number one thing I can’t stand about a film. If a film is boring than it has committed the worst crime possible. Movies are here to entertain us, even if they are occasionally stupid and crazy. But, I digress. Catwoman could have been so much better and yet it wasn’t. This is one film I wouldn’t mind seeing a remake of…as long as they make it better anyway. But how could it get any worse?
Despite all the awfulness, Catwoman did attempt to give us a strong female superhero. You do get to see a girl who is shy and gets walked all over by everyone only to wake up and become a stronger woman. She stands up for herself and takes matters into her own hands. She beats up multiple guys at the same time and repeatedly gives the cops the ol’ slipperoo. She even turns down her love interest at the end of the film because she is a cat now and wants to be free (I can’t not laugh at how silly that is).
- “Not even dance music could make Catwoman any better,” says the cat.
So you’d best not be getting Catwoman any flowers this Valentine’s Day. If you want to win her over you’d best stick to a leather outfit, whip, or another cat to play with. And don’t get her chocolate either. The fastest way to this kitty’s heart would be with milk.
Time Until Action Starts: ~ 19 minutes.
Big Bad Baddies: Laurel Hedare (Sharon Stone)
Best Bad Line: “Meow!” You would have to hear how Berry delivers this one. Honestly, you have to hear most of the lines to believe how bad they are.
Best Kill: Big baddie, Hedare is fighting Catwoman. Hedare has one advantage: she’s been using the face cream so her face is as hard as marble and she doesn’t feel a thing. That doesn’t stop Catwoman though. They have a pretty lengthy fight before Hedare fall out onto a ledge. Catwoman tries to save her but she falls off of the top of the skyscraper and lands in the lobby. CRUNCH!!
Best Explosion: None that I recall. You fail Catwoman!
Action Rating: 2 Crazy Cat Ladies, out of 5
Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters
This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!
About The Author
Is it wrong to say that I still don’t have an urge to see this movie even though you’ve made it very enticing. To me the worst movie that I’ve ever seen was ‘Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo’ but even it had an explosion. I think. Maybe it was pyrotechnics. I even walked out of the theater on that one, but watched it 20 years later in a fit of nostalgia. Maybe I’ll do that with Cat Woman. Give me 20 years.
[...] Catwoman (2004) [...]
Oh was this a painful film. Even seeing Halle Berry slink around in skin tight leather wasn’t worth having to suffer through this story. So many wonderful years of comics stories to draw from and we get a woman brought back to life with cat breath!
What was Halle Berry thinking when she made this stinker? She should stick with Storm in the X-men series.