AFC Classic: Total Recall (2012): Get Your Ass to a Different Movie!

The original Total Recall, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, may not have top notch acting, top notch story, or revolutionary visuals, but everything it does have- unique setting, gloriously cheesy acting, mutants- gives it lots of character, thusly becoming a well loved classic action film. The remake has top notch visuals, good actors, and fantastic action yet lacks anything unique enough to make me give a damn about it. Total Recall (2012) adds +1 to the pile of Hollywood’s needless remakes.

While everything that made the original film fun and different was stripped away to produce another empty, money-sucking Hollywood vessel, at least the film makers didn’t just create a scene for scene remake. The story lines differed enough to…well, be different, but certainly not better. In Total Recall (2012)­­ Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell) searches for his identity after discovering his memory has been wiped and his “wife” (Kate Beckinsale) tries to kill him. It takes place in the future, but stays on Earth rather than getting anyone’s ass to Mars.

Beckinsale and Jessica Biel were great in their action roles. They each pulled off some tough fight sequences, with Beckinsale mostly going up against Farrell in some knock down drag out brawls. The action was frequent and large scale, but I didn’t care about any of it. Farrell did a nice job in his role, but he brought nothing unique or especially likable to the character, though, to be fair, he wasn’t given an interesting character to work with. Oh and the presence of the triple-breasted girl felt forced and out of place.

Start the reactor, Kuato. I grow tired of these remakes.

Time Until Action: ~ 1 minute

Action Rating: 4 Boobs on a Hooker, out of 5. (Remember, this is the ACTION rating, not how much I liked the film. Total Recall had some great action, but the film overall gets a thumbs down.)

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!

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