Blade: Trinity (2004): Blade and His Amazing Friends

ATTENTION: THE HUMAN RACE HAS BEEN SAVED! You may now return to your normal routines without having to worry about vampires sneaking around trying to drink your blood. Blade (Wesley Snipes) has come to the rescue once again in Blade: Trinity (2004).

This time, he kicks vampire asses and doesn’t even bother taking their names (he’s just that cool). Alongside Blade are newcomers Abigail (Jessica Biel) and Hannibal (a pre-Deadpool/Green Lantern Ryan Reynolds) who do their share of killing and nearly all of the quipping. This trio of three-o teams up against the mega vamp himself, the bloodsucker with the big D energy, I’m talking about Dracula himself (Dominic Purcell)!

Since this is the third installment, there’s hardly any plot to set up which leaves more time for good old fashioned kicking of vampire butt. The first several scenes of the movie are action sequences. First we see Dracula pull a vampire into the sand and decapitate him. Why? Who friggin’ cares! Then it cuts to Blade going on an incredible vampire-killing spree. We don’t need to get to know the characters, or have any establishment of things like motive, and the only stakes I need to see are the ones Blade whips through those vampire chests.

Apparently the behind-the-scenes of Blade: Trinity was a bit… rocky. Patton Oswalt, who is in this film along with Natasha “P-P-P-P-Poker Face” Lyonne, recalls how Wesley Snipes refused to do much of anything while filming, even going so far as to refuse to open his eyes for the final shot of the film (no one knows why), resulting in CGI eyeballs.

Much of the lion’s work of the film falls to Biel, Reynolds, and Purcell, and by Count Orlach’s shiny dome they do their best. Jessica Biel crushes the action sequences (no damsel-in-distress nonsense for this gal) though her character mostly amounts to “badass” and that’s it. Ryan Reynolds spins his flibbertigibbety charm by joking non-stop, and it works more often than it doesn’t (plus he looks mighty fine in his numerous shirtless scenes). Dominic Purcell gives an interesting portrayal of an oft-portrayed character, invoking both thoughtfulness and brutishness.

And, of course no film is complete without a cute animal mascot, and Blade: Trinity brings in a Pomeranian to punch that ticket. Don’t be fooled, though, because this pwecious widdle puppy will eat your face faster than you can spit, as it’s the world’s first vampire Pomeranian (vampom, if you will).

Overall, Blade: Trinity boasts a great cast, kinetic action, and a general sense of weirdness which kept me entertained throughout. The action barely quits long enough to even flirt with the idea of plot, but sometimes that’s ok.

Best Hands on Kill: Blade is fighting a vampire, of course. Blade dodges a punch from the vampire spins him around and rips his throat out from behind. Blood squirts everywhere. Tasty!!

Best Kill with Silver: This one goes to Jessica Biel and her awesome little toy, the bow and arrow tipped with silver points. A vampire dives into a room and closes the door trying to get away from Biel. Biel, at the end of the hallway, shoots the arrow anyway. It pierces through the door and through the vampire, right in the chest. He then disintegrates into ashes.

Best line: Dracula and Blade meet face to face for the final showdown. Dracula asks Blade if he is ready to die. Blade responds with:
“I was born ready, motherfucker.”

Guys getting killed (Bad guys): Dracula and his posse of vampires

Amount of time before Blade related action: ~ 3 minutes

Best Explosion: The FBI invades Whistler and Blade’s hideout. Whistler goes through to each computer and programs them to explode. A massive explosion occurs when they all go off, killing just about everyone inside. The explosion reaches out to the FBI waiting in the parking lot.

Rating: 5 vampire Pomeranians (vampoms), out of 5

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!

Disclaimer: Just because I am the Action Flick Chick does not mean I enjoy nor endorse real life violence. In fact I hate it. Be kind to each other. Everyone has their own shit to deal with