Troll 2 (1990): More Reasons Not to Eat Green Eggs and Ham

Dr. Seuss has been trying to convince people to eat green eggs and ham since 1960!
Decades later, I’m on a mission to undo all of his hard work because I know the terrible truth… green eggs and ham will turn you into vegetable matter and then you get eaten by GOBLINS!!! Vegetarian goblins! They’re strict vegetarians, part of the Go Green movement – they only eat green. I bet Dr. Suess has been in league with the goblins to get all of us to eat green eggs and ham! No kids, DON’T DO IT!! IT’S A TRAP!!

In the gripping documentary Troll 2, a family decides to go on vacation by using a home exchange program to swap houses with a family of country bumpkins. It’s like VRBO, but if you had to let someone sleep in your house while you sleep in theirs.

The youngest of the family, freckle-faced and possibly psychotic Joshua (Michael Stephenson) is warned by his dead ninja grandfather not to go to their vacation spot because it is full of goblins. Note: They never actually refer to Grandpa as a ninja, but he’s got so many abilities such as teleportation, precognition, elemental magic banishment, and temporal stasis, that there’s no other explanation for his power.

So the family goes to Nilbog and discovers… SLAP MY ASS AND CALL ME TATERS, NILBOG is GOBLIN spelled backwards! The Nilbog-ians are all goblins disguised as humans! Only Joshua and Ninja Grandpa Seth discover this dark secret, so they have to work together to prevent the rest of the family from eating the green, tainted food and becoming veggie-fied. Why the goblins don’t just, like, eat a carrot or something is never explained. Apparently the screenwriter had a grudge against vegetarians and used this script to express her frustration.

So, if you haven’t noticed by now, I have been talking about goblins even though the film is called Troll 2. The film called Troll 2 does not have a single troll in it, and is completely unrelated to Troll. The first Troll movie is about a kid named Harry Potter who learns magic (see for yourself).

Also, Troll 2 flies so much higher, further, faster than Troll could ever hope to. This is often referred to as the best-worst movie, and even for someone as experienced in the world of trash cinema as I am, this is a serious contender for the garbage crown.

The performances range from bizarre to really bizarre, thanks in no small part to the reportedly grouchy Italian director’s penchant for yelling and not translating things into English for his American cast. Things constantly happen that make you go “WTF?!?” like where our possibly psychotic hero pees on his family’s dinner to keep them from eating it, or the “sex scene” involving popcorn. That’s right folks, once the weird gates open they flood the film with pure craziness.

Words cannot explain the ridiculous that is Troll 2. Well, they can somewhat because I just did it, but you must watch this film to really see what I’m talking about. It is low on the action and low on the horror, but it is still entertaining as hell. Watch this with a group of friends and you will laugh your ass off. That’s an Action Flick Chick guarantee.

Time until they say NILBOG!!! ~ 7 minutes

Time until real action starts: ~ 15 minutes.

Big Bad Baddies: NILBOGS!!! Wait, I mean TROLLS! No, that’s not it either. GOBLINS! Yeah!!

Best Line: Arnold (pictured above) “They’re eating her.. Then they’re going to eat me… Oh my Goooooooooooood.” Yes, 14 “o’s” and no exclamation point. This line is delivered in such a profoundly flat tone that it’s an instant classic. It’s flatter than eggs on a piece of cardboard, flatter than the guy in Austin Powers who gets run over by a steamroller, flatter than a piece of toast mailed express to Mississippi!

Best Explosion: Psychotic kid and dead ninja grandpa are facing a goblin by themselves. The goblin is holding a Molotov cocktail. Out of nowhere, dead ninja grandpa summons a ninja lightning bolt from his ninja fingers and strikes the Molotov causing it to ignite and explode, setting the goblin on fire. That’s right, sucker! Goblin magic is no match for Ninja Magic!

Action Rating: ½ Gallon of Nilbog Milk, out of 5.

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!

Disclaimer: Just because I am the Action Flick Chick and love action movies does not mean I condone real life violence in any way. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, be nice to each other.

Previous posts:
* Interview with Michael Stephenson (Troll 2, Best Worst Movie)
* Documentary: Best Worst Movie (2009)
* What Is the Best Worst Movie? With Best Worst Movie (2009) Documentarian and Troll 2 (1990) Star Michael Stephenson