Troll 2 (1990): Reasons Not to Eat Green Eggs and Ham
Posted By Action Flick Chick on January 17, 2010
This man is a genius.
Dr. Seuss is a well known writer who is responsible for creating Sam-I-Am, a guy who has been convincing people to eat green eggs and ham in his book Green Eggs and Ham since 1960! In 2010 I’m on a mission to undo all of his hard work because I know the terrible truth…green eggs and ham are BAD! Reason 1 not to eat green eggs and ham: All green food turns you into a vegetable and then you get eaten by GOBLINS!!! Oh, goblins won’t eat you unless you’re a vegetable. They’re strict vegetarians, part of the Go Green movement – they only eat green. I bet Sam-I-Am has been in league with the goblins to get all of us to eat green eggs and ham! No kids, DON’T DO IT!! IT’S A TRAP!!
ONLY THE POWER OF GOODNESS CAN DEFEAT THESE CREATURES!
Ha Ha! Thanks to Troll 2, you have been found out, Mr. Sam-I-Am. You and your little goblin friends have met your match. Troll 2 lets us all in on the secret. A family decides to take a vacation. The psychotic kid (Michael Stephenson) is warned by his dead ninja grandfather not to go to their vacation spot because it is full of goblins. (Note: They never actually refer to Granpa as a ninja, but he’s got so many abilities that there’s no other explanation for his power.) Now, grandpa is just senile. How could the vacation spot, the town of Nilbog, be full of goblins? So the family goes to Nilbog and discovers…OMG! NILBOG is GOBLIN spelled backward and everybody is a goblin disguised as a human! The goblins try to get the family to eat green food so the goblins can eat them. However, the family resists them with the help of their dead ninja grandfather and try to find a way to defeat the nilbogs, I mean goblins.
NILBOOOOOOG!
So, if you haven’t noticed by now, I have been talking about goblins even though the film is called Troll 2. Yes, that’s right. Troll 2 does not have a single troll in it, and is completely unrelated to Troll. Also, Troll 2 is one of the best worst movies ever! This is a classic bad film. There’s horrible acting and constant things happening that make you go “WTF?!?” Most of the plot doesn’t make sense and a number of things are never explained. SPOILER ALERT: There is a psychotic kid who sees his dead grandfather all the time and then he pees on his family’s dinner to keep them from eating it. People wonder why I don’t like kids and I just don’t know what to tell them. The psychotic kid has a sex obsessed sister who keeps failing at getting her boyfriend to come along. Speaking of sex, Troll 2 even has an awesome pre-porn scene involving popcorn! That’s right folks, once the weird gates open they flood the film with pure craziness.
NINJA GRANPA!
Words cannot explain the ridiculous that is Troll 2. Well, they can somewhat because I just did it, but you must watch this film to really see what I’m talking about. It is low on the action and low on the horror, but it is still entertaining as hell. Watch this with a group of friends and you will laugh your ass off. That’s an Action Flick Chick guarantee.
Time until they say NILBOG!!! ~ 7 minutes
Time until real action starts: ~ 15 minutes.
Big Bad Baddies: NILBOGS!!! Wait, I mean TROLLS! No, that’s not it either. GOBLINS! Yeah!!
Best Line: “They’re eating her.. Then they’re going to eat me… Oh my Goooooooooooood.” Yes, 14 “o’s” and no exclamation point. This line is delivered in such a profoundly flat tone that it’s an instant classic. It’s flatter than eggs on a piece of cardboard, flatter than the baddie in Naked Gun after he gets run over by a steamroller, flatter than your mom! It’s hilarious!
Best Kill: A girl is tricked into eating the green food. Green goop starts running down her face and out her mouth. She falls down and liquefies into this green goop. Goblins come out and start eating her up. Nom nom nom!
Best Explosion: Psychotic kid and dead ninja grandpa are facing a goblin by themselves. The goblin is holding a Molotov cocktail. Out of nowhere, dead ninja grandpa summons a ninja lightning bolt from his ninja fingers and strikes the Molotov causing it to ignite and explode, setting the goblin on fire. That’s right, sucker! Goblin magic is no match for Ninjutsu!
Action Rating: ½ Gallon of Nilbog Milk, out of 5.
Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters
This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!
Previous posts:
* Interview with Michael Stephenson (Troll 2, Best Worst Movie)
* Documentary: Best Worst Movie (2009)
* What Is the Best Worst Movie? With Best Worst Movie (2009) Documentarian and Troll 2 (1990) Star Michael Stephenson
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“You can’t piss on hospitality! I won’t allow it!”
I knew you would review this one eventually. It is the BEST worst movie, EVER! Also, that line was amazingly bad, and you are right on the number of os and the fact thereis no exclamation point. These actors were so bad, I just don’t know how to capture their ineptitude in print.
You HAVE to interview one of them, particularly the “plant queen” – . . .
[...] the Action Flick Chick reviewed it, (“Troll 2 (1990): Reasons Not to Eat Green Eggs and Ham”), she wound up discussing people’s favorite “bad” movies on twitter and even [...]
[...] you remember that awful movie Troll 2? The movie that’s so epically awful that it’s also hilarious and awesome!?! I would have to say [...]