The Matrix (1999)

Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) is being inducted into the “Chicks Who Don’t Want Flowers for Valentine’s Day” club for her sheer, mind-blowing awesomeness. The Matrix opens with Trinity kicking a ton of cop ass and then escaping from Agent Smith. That’s how I like my movies to start: a hot woman being a total badass! Yowsa!

The Matrix is about…stuff that is too complicated for me to explain in an action-y way. In a nutshell, people are fighting to free humanity from the matrix, which is a computer generated artificial reality that enslaves mankind. Trinity kicks a lot of butt, things explode, and, oh yeah, they find The One whose name is Neo (Keanu Reeves). If you haven’t noticed, Neo is an anagram for One. Gasp! That is amazing.

Agent Smith's Match.com profile pic

This is a great film that starts off really slow because they have to explain a LOT of plot crap. However, everything really picks up in the last hour or so, where Neo and Trinity wreck pretty much everything that moves. This Valentine’s Day, if you are trying to woo Trinity skip the flowers and go to the next isle over where they keep the weapons and phones. Pick up a fully loaded gun and a cell phone with a great connection. After all, you don’t want her worrying about dropped calls when she’s trying to escape an agent.

Time Until Action Starts: ~ 2 minutes.

Big Bad Baddies: The Agents!

Best Line: “Dodge this!” Bang! Brain soup!

Best Kill: This is a great example of why Trinity makes it into the kick ass chick category. I was trying to decide which kill to award Best Kill to, and I was stuck between two choices, both of which are kills performed by Trinity. So Trinity comes up behind a guard who is shooting at Neo. She kicks the gun out of his hand, up into the air, and behind his back where she catches it and shoots the guy in the back. Holy shiitake mushrooms! He just got Trin-nihillated!

Best Explosion: A helicopter crashes into a skyscraper and explodes so fiercely that shockwaves ripple throughout the rest of the building, bursting every window in the area.

Action Rating: 3 Ultimate Mid-Air Best Friend Hugs, out of 5

Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!