Note to all douchebags out there: Hey douchebags! Stay off your freakin’ douchbag phones! How do you know if I’m talking to you? Well, if you’ve ever answered a call, called someone, or just continually played on your phone during a movie, then I’m talking to you! Get off your FREAKIN’ phone and watch the FREAKIN’ movie!
On a separate note, did you hear what happened to me and my town? Sheriff Dutton (Timothy Olyphant) and his pregnant wife, Judy (Radha Mitchell), started telling everyone that our citizens were “crazy” or something. I just don’t see where all the “craziness” is though. We aren’t crazy! Just accident prone! I mean, we’re just normal people who happen to start having terrible luck suddenly. We keep getting into all kinds of mishaps like accidentally locking your wife and kid in the closet and then burning down the house. Ooopsie! We tried to tell them we weren’t “crazy” but they didn’t believe us and so they tried to leave town. We had no choice but to stop ‘em. Can’t have people running all over the place telling everyone we’re crazy, can we? Apparently some people have made a movie about the whole thing, and they’ve decided to call it The Crazies.
Spoilers afoot from here on out:
The officials say a plane carrying a toxic chemical called “Trixie” crashed and contaminated our water supply turning all of us into “crazies.” And did you hear what happened to Peggy (Lisa K. Wyatt)? She accidentally fell and put a steak knife right through Sheriff Dutton’s hand. He got so mad that, with the knife still stuck through his hand, he grabbed her by the neck stabbing her in the throat! Oh, sounds awesome! I mean, that’s too bad for dear Peggy, but props to the Sheriff for such creativity, that’s definitely one of the best kills I’ve ever seen. And then they dropped a nuclear bomb on my little town. It was ginormous! One of the biggest and best explosions I’ve been around.
Whew, ok. I’m feeling better now. Man, what was I just talking about? Nevermind, anyway, The Crazies was a very tense film and it does a great job of making you squirm in your seat right before you jump out of it. The plot is spelled out for you in the trailers and there are no twists or turns, really, but it’s alright since it’s more of a straight-up horror film rather than a thriller. I had a blast watching The Crazies and would recommend it to anyone who is looking for a “keep you on the edge of the seat” movie. It had enough action mixed in with the fright to keep you interested, and plenty of gore but it wasn’t too overdone. So anyone who’s sort of weak in the tummy department would probably be ok.
Time Until the Crazy Starts: ~4 minutes
Action Rating: 2 gas station knick-knacks, out of 5.
Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters
This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!
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