Star Trek (2009) A Fistful of Phaser

MPAA RATING: PG-13 for sci-fi action & violence, brief sexual content Holy crap! Star Trek was awesome!! It starts with action and it hardly stops. Even during the few slow parts, there’s always something, a car chase, a fist fight, or making out to keep you interested. Even if you don’t have any knowledge about or haven’t seen any previous Star Trek films or episodes, you will be able to enjoy this flick. There are so many good things about this movie, I barely even know where to begin. The plot is goooood good good, it’s chock full of action, and Chris Pine plays up the funny side of Captain James T. Kirk which keeps you laughing throughout the movie. This one’s definitely a keeper.

The cast of Star Trek is exceptionally great, too. Chris Pine plays the smart and witty James T. Kirk along side Zachary “Head Slicin’” Quinto as Spock. Apparently, Quinto and Pine were happy to co-star alongside each other because they actually work out at the same gym. Sign me up for a lifetime membership at that gym! There’s John Cho as Mr. Sulu, who I half expected to take the enterprise on a road trip to go to a White Castle on Pluto. Then there’s Simon Pegg, one of my absolute favorite actors, who just lights up the screen every time he’s on. The venerable and sagacious Leonard Nimoy makes an appearance as an older Spock, much to the delight of Star Trek fans ‘round the globe. Also there’s the luscious Zoe Saldana as Uhura, the beefy Eric Bana as the villainous Nero, and Karl “Captain of Rohan” Urban as Bones. And the list goes on and on. They all did an excellent job in their roles, and I really mean that. Just so you’ll be prepared going into this flick, I’ve comprised a survival guide for the Starfleet crew. It’s not all inclusive, but it’s a start. Survival tips 101 for all species aboard a Starfleet ship:

1. Don’t be the one wearing the red shirt or suit on a mission. You will most certainly die. There’s no way in hell I would be willing to wear a red suit aboard any Starfleet ship. If I happen to be wearing red and I got called to do a mission, I would convince the guy next to me to change clothes with me, and I would make sure to pick a newbie so he wouldn’t know what was happening, Sorry, noob, but do your homework on the red shirt curse.

    

    

   

   Red like a bullseye. Means you're a target, sucker!

    

    

    
   

2. Don’t be on any ship that isn’t the USS Enterprise. Once again, convince a newbie to change assignments with you because any ship that isn’t the USS Enterprise is boned.
3. Don’t live on any planet other than Earth.
4. While on Earth, do visit some tourist attractions, but avoid the Golden Gate Bridge.
5. Don’t live in an alternate timeline, especially not if you’re Ferengi.
6. Don’t be an immediate relative of an Enterprise officer, especially not if you’re male (although mothers aren’t safe either). Male first-degree relatives of James T. Kirk – father, brother, son – are all doomed.
7. Don’t mate with a Klingon.

Note: I don’t have anything against newbies, but when it comes down to the wire, I am a survivor. J Star Trek fan or not, if you love action don’t miss out on this one! I don’t want to spoil too much for the big summer blockbusters, so the Bests will be brief or not really the best, just something that’ll whet your whistle without spoiling stuff for you.

Time until action starts: ~ 1 minute. The first action sequence is about 10 minutes long and then it’s about another minute until the real action starts. Whew! The action goes warp nine for the whole flick!

Big Bad Baddies: Nero, a very determined and not very nice Romulan, and his gang of Romulan buttholes.

Best Line: There’s the classics: “Live long and prosper.” “I’m givin’er all she’s got captain!” And then there’s this one I particularly liked: A baddie says, “I’d rather die in agony than seek assistance from you!” To which Kirk replies, “You got it.”

Best Kill: There are plenty of kills to choose from but this one won’t spoil anything for you. There’s this monster chasing Captain Kirk, and it is quite hideous. Right when you think it’s going to get him, an even bigger monster comes out of nowhere and grabs the smaller monster and just tears it to pieces. Then it starts chasing Captain Kirk. Poor guy just can’t catch a break.

Best Explosion: Man, there are so many explosions it’s hard to choose from. But in order to not spoil too much, there’s an awesome explosion about 10 minutes into the film and another one at the end. Oh and there’s a couple of explosions here and there in between those two…I know, very descriptive, right? I think the the best explosion from this flick just might be the best explosion out of all of my reviews. Seriously.

Action Rating: 5 broken-hearted rock midgets out of 5 Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters.