Road House (1989): Skinny Dipping and Throat Ripping

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When I heard about the Road House remake hitting the small screens, I was inspired to revisit the original cult classic to see how it strikes me now, decades after I first saw it. And, on rewatching it, what was the first thing I was struck by? Patrick Swayze’s buns.

Every time I go on a picnic with other people, everyone tends to keep their clothes on, which I am grateful for. However, when you go on a picnic with Patrick Swayze and his girlfriend, there is a good chance you will get to see them naked. And when it comes to Patrick Swayze and nudity, the more the merrier. What am I talking about? You really have to see Road House. At the end of the movie, Swayze and Kelly Lynch are on a picnic by a lake and they suddenly decide to go skinny dipping. Well, as the camera zooms out, I swear there is another person sitting on their blanket. I had to confirm it with another person and they saw that too. Did anyone else notice the guy on the blanket watching them skinny dip?

A big thanks to @MarkoHead on twitter for requesting a review of Road House. I forgot how good this movie is. Swayze is young, hot, and ripped, not to mention he kicks some major ass, exactly how I like my men. Swayze plays Dalton, a bouncer known for cleaning up the nastiest bars. He gets offered a job in Missouri to help get a super dirty and dangerous bar under control. He goes, he sees, and he kicks some ass!

Road House starts of kind of slow but it continually picks up speed so that the last 30 minutes or so is just Dalton on a mission for revenge…and he gets it, too. Dalton is the Rambo of the bouncer world. He is calm, cool and collected even when 15 guys are surrounding him. I was a little surprised to see Swayze deliver some pretty good one liners: If you’re gonna have a pet, keep it on a leash (and he’s not talking about an animal, folks); Tails again (which makes more sense in the context of the movie); You’re made for each other. There are plenty more where those came from.

If you are ever in the mood for a good old fashioned ass kicking movie, Road House is a great one to watch. It is mostly Swayze beating up everyone without breaking a sweat. Sometimes it’s nice to see a movie that still kicks butt without a lot of special effects, guns, or acrobats. According to Dalton, “Nobody wins a fight,” but he sure as shit wins some fights in this classic flick.

Time until real action: ~14 minutes

Baddies: Brad Wesley and his minions.

Best Line: “I thought you’d be bigger.” That’s what she said!!

Best Kill: Dalton and a big baddie, Jimmy (Marshall Teague), are having their face off. They both beat each other up pretty well, until finally Dalton has had enough. Dalton gets his final blows in and then freaks out rips Jimmy’s throat out. Seriously! He rips his friggin’ throat out with his bare hands! (And I LOVE a good throat rip). This is a huge surprise because up until that point Dalton had not killed anyone nor had there been much R-rated violence. But it only escalates from there, baby.

Best Explosion: Home of Dalton’s landlord and friend Emmet (Sunshine Parker) is seen to be on fire. Dalton is running toward the house to try and save Emmet when it suddenly explodes. One explosion can stop Dalton though. He races into the house and comes out carrying Emmet just as the house explodes again and collapses. KABOOM!

Action Rating: 3 Big Stuffed Polar Bears on Top of a Fat Dude, out of 5!

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!

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