Clint Eastwood is a legend and one of my top candidates in my list of Top 10 Kickers of Asses. So I wanted to see first hand just how much ass he kicks, and thus a review of Pale Rider was born.
“3 hots and a cot is the least I owe you.” WTF, mate? What does that mean? I had to ask around for a while before I finally understood. I’m not from that time period, how was I supposed to know? (For those of you who are wondering, it’s referring to three hot meals and a cot to sleep on.) Pale Rider, starring Clint Eastwood, was released in 1985 and is chock full of old timey sayings like the one above. You almost need an old timey dictionary to understand it; however, it’s kind of a fun puzzle listening to the old language and trying to figure out what they mean.
Pale Rider is about a tiny group of people who make homes in a canyon and try to strike it rich by panning for gold. However, just up the dusty trail is a mean group of ruffians lead by a rich fellow called LaHood. LaHood wants the land that the settlers are living on but he can’t have it unless they move. So LaHood sends the ruffians to bully the settlers and tear down their homes and KILL THEIR CUTE LITTLE PUPPY. I was friggin’ upset about that one. Anyway, Eastwood shows up riding a pale horse to save the day and kick some ruffian ass.
There is some debate as to whether Eastwood’s character is a ghost or not. Eastwood himself flat out said that his character was, in fact, a ghost. Buuuuuut then some other people state points saying that he isn’t. Eastwood directed, produced and starred in this flick, so… I might go with him on this one.
Now, Pale Rider has very little in the way of action. Very. Little. It was an interesting flick at the very least. The Pale Rider doesn’t even break a sweat or get out of breath when he is outnumbered and still ends up killing everyone who dares to be less than courteous to those hard workin’ pan handlin’ gold diggers.
I love how a lot of the classic movies will handle the exchanges between their main male characters, their manly exchanges, if you will. For example, Eastwood and Michael Moriarty are in a scene together at the end of the movie. Earlier Eastwood had scared off Moriarty’s horse so that he couldn’t join the fight and get hurt but Moriarty walked the distance to the fight and saved Eastwood’s life at the end (if you buy into the idea that he’s mortal). So Eastwood says, “Long walk.” and Moriarty says, “Yep.” Then Eastwood rides off into the snowy mountains, never to return. I had a big laugh at this. If you were to translate that from old timey MANspeak into modern day english, it might look something like this: “Long walk” = I can’t believe you still came, man. You really got my back, ya know. You totally saved me back there. Thanks alot. I couldn’t have scared the horse of a better man. Take care and take care of those girls too. “Yep” = Hey, I’ve always got your back, man. It ain’t no big thang. No need to thank me for saving your life. You’ve done so much for me and the other settlers. You saved our lives with your actions, and inspired us to be so much more than we ever thought we could be, so of course I made the walk here. Good bye forever and take care. I love you, man. Everyone knows that adding man at the end of the last sentence makes it alright for manly men to say, or think :).
Time until the action starts: ~ 4 minutes
Time until the REAL action starts: ~ 18 minutes
Big bad baddies: LaHood and his no-brain followers
Best Line: “You’ve got sand, boy, but less sense than a sack of beans.”
Best Kill: The Pale Rider out guns the Marshall leaving him with six bullet holes going through his chest and coming out the back. Then, the Marshall is trying to get even one shot off before he dies and the Pale Rider, having no mercy, shoots him right between the eyes.
Best Explosion: The Pale Rider and another character show those mean ruffians whose boss by taking a crate of dynamite and blowing up their mining equipment and their houses.
Action Rating: 1/2 Manly Exchanges, out of 5
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