All those years of being on a diet to keep her precious little figure have caught up with Megan Fox. In Jennifer’s Body she forgets about carbs and calories and just eats whatever boy she wants to. She doesn’t bother doing it in a clean or ladylike fashion either, she gets down and dirty in the blood and guts of her prey. I know, it sounds pretty awesome, right? Well, it kinda wasn’t.
The story takes place in a high school. Jennifer (Megan Fox) is the girl in high school that everyone wants a piece of, even after becomes possessed by a demon due to a satanic sacrifice gone wrong. In order to stay strong and survive, she has to feed off of blood, so she decides to target the high school boys. Needy (Amanda Seyfried) is her best friend, even though they have nothing in common. I think Needy just wants a piece of Jennifer herself…and she does succeed. More about that later.
Jennifer’s Body was amusing at best. I know some people really dig Diablo Cody and think she’s freakin’ hilarious, and that’s fine. It’s just that what I think were attempts at humor in the movie really wasn’t the style of humor I like in a horror film and that made a lot of the dialogue just seem weird and out of place. I did find some of it amusing, though, particularly the open harshness of Jennifer. She was not seen as a nice person, and that’s just because she had enough gumption to say all the things everyone else was thinking anyway. Like when the teacher was talking about how tragic it was that so-and-so died and a fire killed all these people, Jennifer says, “Borrrringg.” Everyone in the room looked shocked when really they’re just thinking, “I’m glad it wasn’t me. What should I wear to the big spring formal?”
The action in this flick certainly fell short of…everything. It was barely present. The scenes where Jennifer is killing and eating her boys were short and/or cut off. Generally you’re stuck watching Jennifer start to bite people then it would skip to the next scene where she’s covered with blood. It didn’t get too gruesome and no one put up a much of a fight, so it was like taking candy away from a baby. It’s really fun but where’s the challenge?
There was one scene that I really enjoyed more than the rest, but considering the rest of the scenes, that’s not a great compliment. It’s a scene involving Fox and Seyfried and they are making out. And I’m talking about making out, not just a kiss. They went for the gold. Bravo, girls! If you’re going to do something, you might as well do it right. That scene alone could fill the seats with hormonally charged boys across the nation. But (there’s always a but), don’t get too overly excited because it was just for a minute and the camera is really zoomed in on their mouths.
All in all, I’m betting this movie is not for everyone. I do like that it is starring two females and you do get to see the not so pretty side of Megan Fox, the blood covered, vomiting up black crap all over the place, really pale and icky looking from not eating anyone in a while side of her, to be specific. But have no fear, you Megan Fox lovers, she’s still hot in most of the scenes.
One final complaint is that Jennifer’s Body has absolutely no plot twists and is somewhat boring. If you’ve seen the trailer, you know exactly what’s going to happen, so don’t be surprised if you’re not surprised.
So, how do you know if you should see it in theater or not? Here’s some help.
You should see this in theater if you can agree with at least two of the following: you really like Diablo Cody, really like Megan Fox, you are a girl in high school, you want to support flicks starring women, you’ve seen everything else, or you just really really want to see Fox and Seyfried make out for a minute.
You might just want to rent this one if: you kinda like Diablo Cody, like Megan Fox, like horror flicks, you are having a movie night with some friends and want a movie on in the background, or you really want to see Fox and Seyfried make out for a minute.
Just skip it if you don’t care about any of the aforementioned things.
Beware, there be spoilers afoot in the rest of this.
Time until initial action: ~ 3 minutes
Time until Jennifer eats someone: ~ 32 minutes
Baddies: Jennifer, or the ones who really started it all, the band Low Shoulder.
Best Line: Jennifer is talking about an emo guy who likes rock and wears nail polish and then she says, “My d**k is bigger than his.”
Best Kill: Jennifer kills all the boys the same way: she eats them. So there isn’t much variety there. However, at the end Needy and Jennifer do battle. Jennifer ate Needy’s boyfriend and I think that made her really upset. Needy didn’t really do anything when Jennifer was eating the other boys, but then it got personal. So, Needy attacks Jennifer with a box cutter in her bedroom screaming “you killed my boyfriend.” You know, if Jennifer would have just stayed away from the boyfriend meat, they would still totally be BFFs right now; but, noooo! She just had to have what was already taken. The two girls wrestle and then Needy rips off Jennifer’s BFF necklace. Now this part I don’t quite understand. Jennifer was floating in the air when the necklace was ripped off and then suddenly, it’s like she lost all of her powers. She stops fighting and falls to the bed with Needy falling on top of her and stabbing her in the chest with the box cutter. Was the power related to the power of their friendship? I hope not because that’s stupid. Did that really hurt Jennifer’s feelings and she was shocked Needy would do such a thing? Were her powers tied to the necklace and I somehow missed it? I just don’t know. I missed something. Anyway, Needy stabs Jennifer in the chest and Jennifer’s mom walks in on all the erotica at the end.
Best Explosion: In the beginning, Jennifer and Needy are at the one and only local bar when it suddenly catches fire. It goes up in flames in a matter of seconds. The two girls manage to escape. Then, Jennifer decides to go with the band (Low Shoulder) in their van. Needy is looking longingly after Jennifer, wishing it was her van Jennifer was climbing into when the bar behind her explodes and people on fire come running out of it and screaming. So romantic!
Action Rating: 1 Megan Fox Spewing Black Crap Out of Her Mouth, out of 5
Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters
This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!
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