Ironclad (2011): Medieval Blood and Guts!

A pig’s fat, when burned, can produce the hottest fire of fires…at least the hottest fire you’ll find in medieval times. So if you need to collapse a castle full of people, zombies, or vampires, just dig a tunnel underneath like they did in Ironclad, trap 40 pigs and start a fire! Thanks Ironclad, now we know, and knowing is half the battle!

Ironclad is set in 13^th century England where King John (Paul Giamatti) is up to no good. Dude goes on a bloody rampage after being forced to sign the Magna Carta, basically acting like the world’s bloodies baby. A very special Templar knight, Marshal (James Purefoy) rounds up a group of his old fighting buddies to defend Rochester Castle until the French arrive to provide backup against the tyrannical King John.

This film might as well be titled “Medieval Shaky Cam Action: The Movie.” Most of the action scenes are in that ultra-shaky cam style, and you can’t see a darn thing. I could barely tell whose face was getting split in half by whose axe. I think there was some good stuff happening but I was so distracted by the shakiness that I’m still not sure.

Ironclad is the kind of film where you really cheer for the good guys. They are doing a noble thing, and all odds are really against them. This is the kind of movie where freakin’ no-one is safe, so as a viewer you’ll take every victory you can get. On the plus side, all of this knightly-action resulted in piles of blood, guts, and body parts being tossed around like confetti. I’m talking HUGE piles, people! Get a sitter to watch the kids, and wear a raincoat, cause this flick is a GORE-FEST!

Baddies: Best Line: “I bow to no king with piss for blood!”

Best Kill: Dude with a huge, ginormous sword comes into battle and slices a guy in two right down the middle like he’s a piece of cheese. I guess you could say that guy had to split! HIYOOO!

Best Explosion: The good guys build a makeshift catapult and launch fiery balls at the enemy. One hits the enemies’ tower causing it to explode and two men jump out a blazin’. Maybe next time don’t hide in a tower made of extremely flammable wood! They might as well have been sitting under an outdoor umbrella covered in gasoline, wearing targets.

Action Rating: 3 ½ Dismembered Guy Parties, out of 5

Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters

This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!